When I first saw the #MeToo hashtag being used earlier this week, I didn't need to ask whether I had experiences which meant I'd be able to say 'Me too'. Because of course I have. In fact, I expect all women have had some kind of personal experience of sexual harassment or sexual assault (even if some wouldn't necessarily identify their experiences as that, because it seemed 'normal' or 'just the way it is').
I chose not to share my own #MeToo examples, because one, I decided they didn't seem 'bad' enough and two, my default position is resistance when it comes to these kind of viral campaigns.
But as more and more women shared their experiences, I've felt a bewildering range of emotions as I've seen the wave of #MeToo posts on my timeline and the various responses to these posts.
A part of me has felt deeply fearful that these kind of experiences can happen to so many women in the world we're living in.
A part of me has felt rage and wanted to scream at women who have discounted other women's experiences (and their own) as 'just the way it is', 'normal banter' or 'a bit of fun'.
A part of me has felt shame about the way I've used my sexuality at times to get what I wanted.
A part of me has wanted to hold back and keep silent when I've seen people accusing those who are using the #MeToo hashtag, as perpetuating their status as victims.
A part of me felt sick when I saw the words 'Pig' and 'Porcine' used to describe James Corden in response to his deeply inappropriate jokes about Harvey Weinstein.
A part of me has also felt deeply uncomfortable when I saw various men online being closed down and asked to remove comments or posts when they shared in response to #MeToo.
And as all of these feelings have been bubbling away, I've also noticed the many different ways I've been silently judging myself and others, as I've read through the hundreds of #MeToo statuses and responding comments. The way I've thought, 'that's right' or 'that's wrong' and changed my mind over and over again as the wave keeps coming.
But there is no right or wrong when it comes to sharing our experiences and expressing how we feel in response to what's been happening.
The truth is that most of us are victims of patriarchy. Not just the women who've experienced every type of sexual harassment and sexual assault and been taught that this is normal, but also the men who've been brought up to behave in a particular way, to be a 'man', to not show their feelings, to be 'one of the lads' in order to be accepted.
It's as if we've been suffering from a collective case of Stockholm Syndrome and now we're waking up and it's not pretty. It's deeply confusing and multi-faceted.
As a leader of UNBOUND women, I've felt compelled to speak up now. I'm continually looking for ways I've held myself in restrictive patterns or oppressed myself in any way. And #MeToo has shown me very clearly the way I've chosen to stay silent in the past because it's easier, or because I had shoved my opinion on something down so deep I didn't even realise I had one, or because I was terrified of what the response might be, or because I thought, what difference will it make anyway?
But as more and more of us are waking up and there's a collective raising of consciousness, what once felt acceptable and 'just the way it is' can no longer be stomached. For me this applies to the way I choose to personally express myself (or not) and also the way we relate to each other, both men and women.
So what am I saying?
I'm saying, let's think about how we want things to be different from now on. As the old structures fall away, it's our job to build something new. Not just to damn the old.
For me, right now, this looks like:
Taking time to grieve our losses and all the times we've felt frightened, shocked, violated and shut down.
Acknowledging and giving space to the feelings that are coming up for each of us, whether that's anger, fear, sadness or ambivalence.
Acknowledging that there's no right or wrong way to feel about this and that our feelings and opinions can change from day to day, moment to moment. Giving permission to ourselves and others to feel and express whatever's coming up at any given time, without judgement.
Finding a way to express ourselves, including the anger and rage we are feeling, without shutting others down or using dehumanising language. Speaking up when we see or hear something we disagree with or question and doing that in a way that takes the conversation further, rather than closing it down.
Becoming aware of the judgements and expectations we have of ourselves and others.
Acknowledging and forgiving ourselves for any times we may have colluded in discriminatory and persecutory behaviour and the ways we continue to do so.
And thinking about what we want to take forward with us.
What are the qualities we want to embody as we create a new way to relate to each other?
And what other questions do we need/want to ask as we begin to build a new way?
If you want to carry on the conversation around this, click here to come join me in my free online community for UNBOUND women.