30/04/2013 09:15 BST | Updated 29/06/2013 06:12 BST


Ever since I recovered from a comma, double comma, people started suggesting new phrases to me all the time, thinking I'm some sort of a dialect-oracle and meme-prophet capable of coining anything into ฿itcoins. The question is - could I really make money by just tweeting axioms and aphorisms? That's ridic. In any case I went ahead and wrote this series of state-of-the-art youthemisms to all the youngsters out there who need a bit of a turd polish.

The list is pretty brisk, and is tangibly becoming a thing, on a nice level, like, a fancy, nice, level. If you're a social media climber like I am I bet you know by now that we're only as self-indulgent as our last tweet, and, ad lib, as I mentioned to a girl called @sosadtoday - the secret is to make alienation work for you.

Catalogue of new phrases:


Shagging a hashtag. Placing your middle finger inside a finger-hashtag situation. I wrote extensively on fingerhashtags for WIRED. Billie JD Porter hyphened the 'Hashag'. Google her.

02) Forrealism

Reality is beyond surreal, and it's for real. Hence Forrealism. By Sasha Nixon. Google her.

03) Awkin' out

New way to freak-out in an awkwardly fashion. Awkin' ell. Faux pas > Awks pas.

04) #SFU

Let people know you stopped caring about them by tweeting 'Sorry for unfollowing' and 'Sorry for unfavoriting.' Retweet is the new amen and unfavoriting is blasphemy.

05) Emojinal

Icons make you iconoclastic while Emojis make the best ideograms. Fred Macpherson came up with the Emojinal:

06) Humbleselfie

Taking a selfie in a humble way, selfie contained.

07) Karawke

A weird and awk karaoke situation.

08) Awk-inspiring

Awkwardly uplifting.

09) My gos

I love Ryan Gosling. Oh my gos.

10) Selfiesteem

Take selfies while having low self-esteem. Insta-competent. By Zoë Jenkin from ASOS.

11) Unfollowee-ing

Make someone who followed you unfollow you, in one word.

12) R$VP Rocky

When A$AP Rocky RSVPs your party.

13) Grunch

Lena Dunham sliced it:

14) Dye in your arms (tonight)

Getting your hair deep-dyed at BLEACH. Alex Brownsell and Sam Teasdale (google them) own it. Sam's sister Lou is not verified on Twitter even though she's got more than 743K followers.


15) Cartier Dildo

Sold in Cannes and Monaco during the Cannes Film Festival and the Monaco Grand Prix.

16) Procrastinhate

Alexa Chung made it up since she hates procrastinating.

There's also a term for Procrastination and Masturbation:

17) Carjacking

Wank-off while driving aka Drive-by shooting.

18) Life is Shish

As in shish kebab. Tweeted by Mangal2, the no.1 ocakbasi restaurant:

19) Scroll-down sex

Mouse down on your boyf till reaching a pleasure point.

20) Semi-Semitic

Someone who's kinda Jewish. Jew-ish.

21) Facetious Phew

Saying facetious is fastidious, so you say 'phew' after it. Factitious phew you.

22) YOLT

Double YOLO. A 1967 Bond film.