Women often mistake sexual relationships for actual relationships and vice versa. And that makes a lot of sense, given that the psychological aspects of sex are as important as the physical ones; to both genders. Just that for some reason women are as willing to open up about their sexual feelings and needs, as men are willing to talk about their emotions.
Why do women rarely address their sexual wants? The 'old sex' is pretty much imbedded in female psyche even now. If women do address their sexual frustrations, the things they say, and the things they think or feel are as different as night and day. And there is nothing to feel bad about; for centuries women were brought up with the need to repress their sexual needs (lack of contraception, financial stability and other unwritten laws). It used to be a common tradition to grant sexual pleasures to men once the stability was offered and sealed. Add to that the latest commitment issues and sexual mistrust, and no wonder women are shying away from the possibilities of more fulfilling relationships; emotionally and sexually.
With magazines like Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire who are continuously supporting women's sexual empowerment, the discord between the embedded 'old sex' values and the current sexual freedom led to the following 10 misconceptions that women now have about sex:
- If I am having a mind-blowing sex with this guy - he is the one!
Women completely ignore their hormonal mood shifts when it comes to "falling in love". Women are aware of the expression "men think with their wrong Head" but how about "women choose with their hormones"?
- If he is having a regular sexual relationship with me, that must mean we are a couple.
This couldn't be further from the truth. You are only dating if he himself made it clear by saying: "I want you to be my girlfriend (or a wife, or else)", or, "I would like us to be exclusive". Otherwise you are more likely to be what he treats as his sex-buddy or a friend with benefits. If you are still in doubt, please read: "How to Stop Meeting Guys Who Just Want You for Your Vagina or Other Body Parts".
- We are having regular intercourse that means our relationship is fine.
Not necessarily. Men are capable of having sex for no other reason, then just to have sex. Also, if you are having sex just to please your man without taking care of your own sexual needs and feelings, you are harvesting a time bomb. All that sexual frustration is bound to explode one day.
If you really care about your relationship, it's time to talk to your darling. More often than not men have no idea that you are sexually unsatisfied. They really can't read your mind!
- Sex is the only way women can manipulate men.
Yes and no, or to be more specific "Yes, till he finds a better solution".
Please don't ever use sex to manipulate a man. While it is partially true that men are driven by their sexual cravings, there are times when sex is the last thing on their mind. You really need to start treating your man as a fellow human being; who has needs for friendship, compassion, the desire to succeed, and desire to be a man.
- If I agree to more than just the missionary position am I then not marriage material?
Now that's your mother or grandmother or great grandmother talking: "My darling, only sluts are good in bed. And we both know that men don't marry sluts."
Not entirely sure whether that's more related to the "old sex" traditions or pressure to ensure that a daughter doesn't end up unmarried, with a bastard on her hands. Yet it is truly one of the "old wives' tales".
It's time you address your sexual needs in the way that pleases you. It will help if you start treating sex as part of a relationship; communication and satisfaction for both parties involved is the key.
- Blowjobs? Who does that?
The blowjob is something that a lot of women (surprise?!) don't even have the slightest idea how to go about. The question just recently hissed out by one of my clients was: "Is that ok for a woman to give her man a blow job?"
Yes, many women can't stand an idea of giving a blowjob to their partner. The truth of the matter is that men see their penis as an extension of themselves and by denying him a blowjob, sends a 'rejection signal to his brain: "I do not like you, you are disgusting." If you'd like to explore the possibility, then stores like Waterstones and Harmony have a great selection of literature on the subject.
If however you still find it unacceptable, please explain to your man the reasons behind. You should never be pressured into anything that you don't want to do, especially sexually.
- If he is checking out another woman - he wants to have sex with her.
Not really. Besides, the reality is more complicated. It's more about "Oh, she looks hot!" and that's it, sort of an acknowledgement. Or at times it's "I wonder how she'd... ", or anything else along the lines of fantasy. There is rarely anything else to it. No one wants to have the security of "regular sex supply" being jeopardized by flirting with someone in front you. Saying all that, if your man does check out a lot of women, it's time for you to explain to him how it makes you feel, and it's his duty to respect your feelings. If he doesn't change, however, you know what to do. Perhaps update your dating profile...
- If he masturbates - I don't satisfy him.
Men do and need to masturbate for so many reasons that studies and studies can be done on a subject.
In a nutshell:
- they masturbate for a pure physical relief, i.e. right here, right now
- they are away on a trip
- high sex drive
- habit (stayed from school)
- other reasons.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, do let your man know.
I've had a client, who was concerned about her husband's masturbation habits, so they agreed that he could only masturbate while she was away on her work related trips. To her surprise, her husband had no idea she had an issue with that?!
- If his penis is hard, he is aroused and he is thinking about sex.
Contrary to popular beliefs that many women have, men aren't sexually possessed beasts. You'll be surprised to know that men are not as much in control of their best friend as they'd like to think. Often a simple rubbing of stitches on a pair of jeans can produce the same arousal effect as washing it in the shower or while enjoying a bath. If you are not sure, just ask, but don't be surprised to hear that he wasn't even aware of the fact that he was aroused.
- If I wear sexy lingerie he'll be eager to have sex with me.
Yes, but only if he is eager to have sex with you anyway. If your relationship goes stale, lingerie is not the solution to your problems. If your relationship needs a shake-up, consider booking exhilarating activities to do together or spend an evening where you are only allowed to tell each other what you like about one another; completing the day with wearing that sexy lingerie!