25/09/2015 14:17 BST | Updated 25/09/2016 06:12 BST

Hashtag Oldschool

So there I was, sat at my laptop, (scrolling through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter rather than working) when 20 hashtags, three selfies and a handful of emoji's later and I'd decided I'd had enough.

I found myself wanting to go back to the 'good old days'. I know - I'm only 23! There shouldn't be any 'GOOD OLD DAYS' yet!

You see, there are just some things about society today that have me wanting to knock back a spoon of Calpol, switch on Bernard's Watch and forget the world. Grazed knees have been replaced with grazed phone screens, talking has been replaced with not talking at all, while pouting is the new black. Here are a few of my least favourite things:

1. The selfie

Or for people who have still managed to hold on to their self-respect a 'photo'. The word itself just sounds a bit stupid. It's like someone's gone into Wacky Warehouse on a Saturday afternoon and offered out panda pops in return for ideas of new words to put in the dictionary. Also, while we're on the subject, I'd just like to clarify that if there's more than one person in the photo it's NOT a selfie and, if someone else has taken the photo of you it is also NOT a selfie.... I can hear Nicéphore Niépce turning in his grave (although that might be the sound of the Wacky Warehouse kids 'twerking' all over it).


Hands up if you're going to die alone.....

2. Hashtags

I'm all for a good hashtag and as an electronic tag, they're bloody handy to find things, but as my Nan always says "Quality not quantity" (she's talking about her teeth at the time, but it still applies). I'm sure some people think they're on The Generation Game and if they hashtag every object they've seen in the past hour they're going to win a speedboat and a holiday for two on the Lincolnshire coast. So if we could have a rule of a maximum of perhaps four per-post, that would be great. #CutDownOnHashtagging #LimitYourselves #Seriously #QualityNotQuantity #HashtagsDontMeanPrizes.


3. 'Inspirational' celebrity quotes

I hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure the last thing on Marilyn Monroe's mind was conquering the world using only her favourite pair of sling backs, Muhammad Ali wouldn't really want to be the patron saint of 'leg day' and Mother Theresa did not have any opinions on your bad tinder dates.

4. Naff Facebook statuses

There's only so much "I'm no longer sure what the sun looks like so I'm just going to sit and (insert mundane task), before going to check in at the gym. Oh and did I tell you I'm having chicken for tea?" a girl can take!

5. Excessive baby posts

I'm sure when you have a baby the only things you lose are your marbles, bodily fluids, the love and affection of your partner and sleep... and the most important thing; your ability to post entertaining, topical fun things on Facebook. So if you could be a bit less Anne Geddes (cut back on the 84584 baby photos, unless they're bench pressing a Dachshund or doing the ice bucket challenge) and be a bit more Anne Hathaway (shave all your hair off and post an accidental crotch shot from time to time) that would be great.

6. Stupid poses in photos

Like pouting and peace signs backwards over your eyes while you try and reach your chin with your tongue. Whatever happened to smiling? (If you were born after the year 2000 yes we did actually used to smile in photos) Smiling is good, it makes you look 10x better and you'll probably find you have to use less filters. Less filters = less time on Instagram and more time to play with your Pogs and crimp your hair.

7. Overuse of the word 'Cheeky'

I'm going to give this one a cheeky swerve and not even get into it. Not so much the fault of social media, but very annoying in normal conversation. *Other adjectives to describe the food you are eating or the activity you are partaking in are available*.


8. Non-stop phone usage

Now this is just RUDE. Your tweets and status' will still be there un-liked and un-favorited in an hour's time, they're not going anywhere, and you're not going to miss the call from Instagram asking you when you want your speedboat delivered, so just put it down for a sec. I think we should all go back to Nokia 3310's where all we could do was play snake and text *#10# to check our balance.

9. Selfie sticks

Kidding, I actually quite like this one (don't worry I hate myself for it though). I have a media degree which pretty much makes me a film maker, which pretty much means I can pretend to be all artsy and use big words like 'rule of thirds' and 'photograph' to confuse and distract people, as I try to make myself look less of an idiot using a washing line prop to take a photo.

10. Myself

For the moments I've captured with a selfie stick, for that one hashtag too many and for the Sunday roasts I've let go cold in pursuit of the perfect Instagram post.

I could go on all day, and I'm probably going to have no friends left after this, but that's fine, it gives me a chance to listen to my Spice Girls cassettes and watch re-runs of Recess in peace, whilst perfecting my Snake score.

Please someone tell me they feel the same about at least some of this?

Article originally published on The Buzz @ Marks Electrical