The Blog

Politics: It's a Dirty Job, But Somebody's Got To Do It

Pay attention the snide, the slimy, the hypocritical, the duplicitous, the smarmy, the two faced, the egotistical, the lying, the greedy, the cheating, the capricious, the disingenuous, the unprincipled, the insincere, the rapacious and the vain. So vain in fact that you probably think this blog is about you. Don't you? Don't you? Anyhow, your time is fast running out. You only have until 4 pm on April 9 to make a difference. Or to be more precise, no difference whatsoever.

That however shouldn't stop you. After all, it hasn't deterred hundreds of others from having a go in the mistaken and misguided belief that they too have that indefatigable spirit and undefinable something that marks them out for a life devoted to public service. And if you're worried about appearing foolish or less than brilliant, don't be. Since when has stupidity ever been an obstacle to greatness in any field of endeavour, but particularly politics?

Therefore, if at any point in your life you've dreamt of helping to shape - ruin, more like - the destiny of your fellow citizens, get your nomination papers in now! Your country needs you. Hmm, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. Actually, it doesn't need you at all. Or especially want you. The truth is that it'd undoubtably be better off without you.

All the same, here are 10 people who should consider standing in the upcoming election (if only to hold the whole democratic process up to even more ridicule), but unfortunately they probably won't.

10 - Jeremy Clarkson. Now out of a job - temporarily at least - he'd be the perfect candidate if the electorate were looking for someone in the mould of Puncher Prescott. Remember him? People would be scared to death that Clarkson would similarly wallop them if they dared to say anything out of turn or didn't agree with his demands. You can imagine his campaign slogan: SOCKING IT TO THE NATION, ONE THUMP AT A TIME.

"See this exquisitely beautiful and remote piece of English countryside?" he'd say. "Well, next month there's going to be an 8 lane motorway going through it".

"Whatever you say Jeremy" would reply the voters. "Just so long as you promise not to hit us again".

9-Katie Hopkins. It's been a while (some would say too long, some would say not long enough) since Britain has had an over-opinionated, loud-mouthed woman spouting her dangerous views and particular brand of venom at us. Forget Carol, this is the daughter that Thatcher really should have had. A true successor to her legacy of iron-willed ideological dogma.

With every piece of vitriolic claptrap that comes out of Katie's mouth, you just know that somewhere in the ether, Maggie is out there shouting: "That's my girl".

8- David Beckham. The original Golden Balls. Left or right - although who cares what side he dresses on - no MP, to the best of my knowledge, has ever looked so good in a pair of underpants. Can he rely on your support? From the way those briefs are hugging, I'd say that he hardly needs it. Just one last thing on the Y-Front front and that's a personal plea to Eric Pickles. Please don't start getting any ideas.

7- Cheryl Fernandez-Versini. As her pop career comes to a faltering halt, could Westminster provide the answer for keeping her in the spotlight? Maybe not. Although it might be the first time that anyone has mimed to a manifesto with a host of semi-clad dancers behind them and rather a lot of dry ice.

6- Simon Cowell. As the creator of the X factor and similar shows, he certainly is the master of manipulation and knows how to make the most of any contest he's involved in. Plus, the enticing prospect of Sinitta as his campaign manager turning up to the count wearing an outfit made out of nothing but ballot papers would be more than enough to cause the UKip candidate to lose his deposit, if you know what I mean.

5- Richard Branson. Everyone's favourite entrepreneur and very much the acceptable face of capitalism. And if you're lucky, all constituency meetings would be held on Necker Island.

4- Ant and Dec. Frankly, it doesn't matter which one you vote for. They are pretty much indistinguishable and almost impossible to tell apart. Many would argue that the same is true of the main parties.

3- Sandra Martin from Gogglebox. Her personality and laugh have been described as infectious. Of course, the automatic response to that is: "Yeah, well so too has TB".

2- Zayn Malik. Who better to appeal to the young, jobless and directionless than someone who is young, jobless - albeit with £15 million in their pocket - and (one)directionless?

1- Russell Brand. Ah, yes, the new poster boy for all would be Che's. The man who in 2004 swallowed the Oxford English Dictionary (all 20 volumes) and has ever since been shitting out the same verbal diarrhoea.

Mate, he should stand, of that there's no doubt. His biggest fear though isn't that he'd become one of the parliamentary elite, it's that he might lose. If that happened, he'd also lose all credibility (he has credibility?) and would have to return to being one of the world's most celebrated comedic actors. He's a celebrated comedic actor? What, haven't you seen Arthur?

I, by my own admission, would make an absolutely terrible MP. For a start, the acronym of my party means I am almost definitely doomed to failure. Would anyone seriously vote for a PRAT? Which, in case you're wondering or wish to support and donate, stands for People's Revolutionary Anti-establishment Triumphalists.

Still, I like to think I would eventually become a conviction politician. Either that, or like many before me, a convicted politician.

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