Let's Do Lunch

26/04/2012 15:48 BST | Updated 25/06/2012 10:12 BST

In the most surreal news story of the week, Celebrity Big Brother idiot and the world's worst 'cage fighter' Alex 'Jordan's ex' Reid baffled us all when not only was he allowed entry into Westminster, but was also gained access to SPEAK in Parliament, an even that has proven that Armageddon is surely around the corner, and that we might aswell all just fry our brains now before they start inviting the whole of the fuckin' cast of The Only Way Is Essex to debate in the House of Commons during next years Budget.

Alex Reid, the most who married Tits McGee, otherwise known as Jordan, otherwise known as Katie Price, otherwise known as the spawn of Satan, was in parliament to discuss how he feels that children should be banned from bringing packed lunches into school. Now, I'd have slightly felt confident that this was all a big stunt devised by Chris Morris if he'd simply stated that, and left, ensuing rage from parents across the country that he wanted their kids to starve all day long, purely for the delight of a to-be-shown-later-in-the-year Channel 4 comedy.

But no. Instead, the man who married a pair of tits really does care about our children. The children. He said pupils were eating chocolate and crisps which were "affecting their ability to concentrate in lessons". Unlike Russell Brand however, who the day before entered a room packed full of wolves out to get him and instead brought the into room both riotous and eloquent food for thought, Mr Reid showed a complete lack of business acumen, promoting his own agenda (as opposed to Brand's heart-felt and well-thought-out views on drug addiction), shoddily telling MPs about plans to raise £1 billion by offering companies promotional opportunities, including direct marketing to parents, in return for investment in a scheme called Let's Do Lunch.

Okay, Alex. Let's Do Lunch."The important thing is the Let's Do Lunch marketing would help companies investing in the scheme to generate more revenues." Great idea, Alex. Why don't you ask Coca Cola to sponsor your idea? Even better, McDonald's have got quite a bit of cash - why don't you bring those guys in? The future Jamie Oliver continued, explaning to MPs that he wants "to make healthy school meals available to all kids." It's a novel idea, but then comes out the magic Naziin him: "We will essentially make them compulsory and ban packed lunches."

I'm 25, it was less than a decade ago that I was at school. I can tell you that before I found the delights of beer and booze, that I was skinny and healthy throughout all of my school years. Yet I had no problem with school dinners. Furthermore, we had hot dinners. As a young boy growing up in South Croydon, I actually LOVED our school dinners. I was brought up a vegetarian, which usually should mean I live off lettuce and tomatoes, but no, we got fantastic meals at Howard Primary School. We all got excited for our helpings of vegetable or fish fingers, mash potato and peas. Or the desserts. Yes, the desserts! Jelly and ice cream. Apple pie and custard. The hundred and thousands on a sponge! Divine!

Yet there's also another thing that we did at lunch time. Something that I can't say the same of that my little brother, the same age I was ten years ago, does. Lunch time was extra PE. Before school, we were there an hour early to run amok the school playground, amongst all the mothers and their pushchairs to play as-competitive-as-you-could-get on the makeshit football pitch we'd created. Then at break-time, not a single minute was spared on the pitch. Then at lunch-time, food was woolfed down and as soon as we were allowed to hit the concrete, we played our little hearts out. No wonder there were no fat boys in our class, we were all fucking wannabe athletes.

By the time I went to secondary school, things were not as black and white. Lunchtimes still involved kicking a football around, but sometimes we induldged in a spot of wrestling, or worse still, chasing girls. Even still, our canteen served pizzas, burgers, chips, y'know... the time of shit that Alex Reid and Jamie Oliver would have instant fits over. Now, I'm not saying that serving greasy fast food does not go some way to child obesity, oh no, but surely Alex Reid et al could perhaps look more at the behaivour of school children thesedays to find a more practical reason for why kids aren't the little twigs we all used to be.

Name one thing, as an adult, you don't do enough of, and I guarantee, if you're sat on a desk/at home/on your smartphone reading this, you are probably not an exercise guru. Congratulations if you are. But let's face it - kids just don't exercise enough any more. And if schools promoted this, better than ever in a year where this Summer our country hosts the bloody Olympics, then health could be attained in a far more fun way. Football is still the biggest sport in the world, yet I also tried my hand in my youth at badminton, tennis, cricket, squash, athletics and many other brilliant sports that not only help you lose weight but also strengthen your body physically and mentally.

The idea that chocolates and crisps are the reason kids can't concentrate, as wrongly-detailed by Alex Reid in Parliament, completely overlook a nation consumed by electronic gadgets and a couch potato attitude that totally destroys decades of what I thought made school time great. Get the lessons out of the way, not everyone can be a genius, but at least on the playground, everyone had a fair shot at success. Sure, some of us had left feet. Some of us were put in goal. Blimey, some of us even picked last. But at least everybody got stuck in. There were no iPhones, Blackberry's, Nintendo DS machines. Gameboy's were so crap nobody bothered bringing them in, and the best gadget anyone in my class ever had was a watch that could control your television and video machines - very useful for supply teachers in Science lessons.

Instead of castrating children's fun by selling off playing fields to property developers or reducing playgrounds due to 'health and safety' (I once broke my collarbone playing football on concrete, nobody complained or even bat an eyelid once my arm was in a sling), let's bring back a jovial 'Jumpers for Goalposts' attitude in Britain and encourage kids to run crazy through fields and create a concrete zoo every play time... kick them out of the library on Facebook chat, block their fucking mobile phone signals whilst in class, and instead let's get this country active again like it used to be.

Now, I'm off to pub to have a pint, a burger and chips. What? I passed my GCSEs.