It's Petrol Panic Time!

30/03/2012 12:30 BST | Updated 29/05/2012 10:12 BST

Okay let me just get one thing straight. Yes, there is currently a fuel crisis in the UK. But it's not the fault of the potential strikers. It's the fault of the idiots who inhabit our very Isles. And yes, there are the "clever ones"; Why not fill up the car with fuel today to avoid getting sucked into the whole panic buying thing? Well, if really do need something to talk about at work tomorrow, then yes, go ahead and drive to the petrol station like all the other sheep and simply buy as much as you can as fast as you can.

If you were planning to pop out to the petrol station for a late night pasty before prices rise and used this forward thinking to also fill up with petrol while you're there, then I salute you. If you weren't, then thanks for identifying yourself as a fucking idiot by panic buying fuel this week. I mean, this week has not profited the petrol companies at all has it? It's not like they're guilty of "letting slip" that there's the off chance, that there could, possibly, be a strike...Maybe.


Watching this country's population panic-buying petrol now before all the stations run out due to everyone else panic-buying petrol is one of the biggest oxymorons I've ever seen. Why stop there? When purchasing fuel why not buy all the bread and milk too? Guess what? Stockpiling coal and logs now will ensure a constant supply of fuel this coming winter. I just want to break into Francis Maude's garage and when discovered, own up as being Gerry Cann. Although if someone in the government came out at any old time, apropos of nothing and said "There is no reason to be panic buying fuel", there'd still be queues off the forecourt.

Even if I see you at a petrol station, and you're wearing a confident smile when paying for petrol, don't think I won't mistake you for a panic-buying dipshit. I've heard of many stories of people running out of petrol by driving around looking for a petrol station which still has some. Don't panic. Just fill up your car with pasties instead. Surely if you had half a brain, the best way to avoid worrying about getting petrol would be to simply phone in sick tomorrow.

That's of course if there actually was a strike that had been confirmed. Which it hadn't, because we're entitled to a seven-day warning before any such strike could occur. And no such warning has been issued. Yet, this unnecessary panic buying in the past few days could give enough of a boost to economic activity for Britain to avoid a double-dip recession. Even if they announce the strike tomorrow then we still get seven days of regular deliveries. There's clearly plenty of people out there not bright enough to be entrusted with a driving licence.

Are these same people also panic buying 4,000 stamps? I'm sure they'll be laughing all the way to the bank at Christmas. Why don't you also go to the supermarket and buy all the bog rolls? You're always going to need to take a dump! I've drawn some pictures using a felt-tip pen taped to my forehead, £10 each. Supplies may run out. Get them quickly. Let's all induce panic breathing by stating the atmosphere is continually evaporating into space. Better still, imagine the panic buying that would go on if they announced supermarkets and off-licences had been set a limit of 4 cans per person to stop binge drinking. There would definitely, without a doubt, be blood.

I am now foreseeing our country is reduced to a circus of protesters and panic buyers, who would happily march on to Downing Street, Buckingham Palace and KFC until their opposed "madness" was brought to a swift resolution. I suppose the best way you could purposely increase the panic of fuel panic buyers right now, is by smoking whilst filling up. I've never seen someone use a mobile phone on the forecourt and then seen a petrol station blow up afterwards, just like I know that there are official statistics that report that if everyone filled up today - that's 31 million cars in the UK with a full tank - 1.7 billion litres of petrol, with motorist consumings 123 million litres of fuel a day, it would be fourteen days, two weeks, before the fuel would run out in the UK.

This is the reality: the the government will solve whatever problems they have with the unions because if people can't buy petrol, then the government will be deprived of their tax revenue. Which is their worst nightmare. You see, we live in a country where the government we voted in are addicted to squeezing as much out of us as possible. They're like junkies, and anything that might interrupt the steady flow of cash will not be tolerated. Even if you're one of those people driving past a petrol station whilst sat smug in an electric car, when the entire UK has adopted the technology, reality will have kicked in at Parliament and you'll all no doubt be stung £2,000 a year for road tax.

The only way that David Cameron could possibly calm this ridiculous fuel panic buying is by issuing a statement from his car bonnet, dressed in leather pants, wearing a metal mask. There should be someone at the entrance to every forecourt at every petrol station, turning people away if they've got more than 3/4 of a tank left. And calling them a twat. Or that guy who filmed the idiots on the hard shoulder blocking emergency vehicles should get on the case. He could make a 953 episode series called "People = Twats". In fact, some great TV could come out of this:

"Wanking for Unleaded"

Where three randomly selected motorists have a wank off to determine which one of them will be allowed to buy £10 of fuel. May contain scenes of glutinous sprays of man fat streaming across garage forecourts. Presented by Jake Humphrey.


Full on fighting to the death for fuel. Weapons allowed. No naked flames and please turn off your mobile phones. Presented by Bill Oddie. Families of dead competitors get a year supply of screenwash.

Feel free to suggest your own below! And remember, if you are forced to panic buy this weekend, grab a VAT-free pasty too! I'm heading down to my local Tesco Express right this second to convince people I'm a gullible idiot, by queuing for fuel I don't really need. Every cloud...