Every morning I drag myself from sleep (it's so hard especially when I've been starring in my own dream and I've been a hit) to sitting up on my pillow to do 20 minutes of mindfulness.
Every morning I think why am I doing this because when I look in at my thoughts it's never a pretty sight?
In the beginning of the sitting, I usually hunt around for something that pisses me off because I'm addicted to anger and it feels so familiar when I get that wild, fire in my veins.
This morning I found my victim in the first few moments to stoke my fury.
Some friend of a friend came to my house a few nights ago and spilled wine all over my carpet.
Not a tiny splatter, she swamped it, covering a three foot area.
How you do that, I do not know? I start to fuel up with that old well-known feeling; rage.
As I sit there, every cell of my body is itching to reach for the computer to write a vitriolic email informing her she has to pay for the stain removal or I will either sue or kill her.
I try to focus on my breath but I'm so stuck in my habit, my mind drags me back to the girl and the stain and my need to eliminate her.
Just as I think it's over I find myself reaching for the phone to scream and rant at her.
I pull my focus back to the sensation of breathing.
Eventually I feel the anger subside and my need to murder pass, not completely, it fluctuates in intensity, it comes and goes, sometimes harsh then light, then gone.
Now I have a choice, I can either fuel it some more or let it go.
It's usually at this point, I get angry with myself for having these impulses so I now I get caught in the thoughts of how bad I am as a person and at doing mindfulness.
The thing that eventually makes me stay there for 20 minutes of war going on in my head is knowing even if I can't remove the thoughts of stains in my head then the very act of noticing is good enough.
The point isn't to try and clear my mind or to forgive the stain-maker but to just notice I'm stuck and usually when you notice you become unstuck.