15/01/2013 08:16 GMT | Updated 14/03/2013 05:12 GMT

Things A Grump May Not Appreciate!

There used to be show on television I would have been perfect for, Grumpy Old Men. Unfortunately, or indeed fortunately, I am only 23 years of age. Nevertheless, here is a list of the things I feel people must not do.

1) Wear football kits on holiday: Let us nip this worrying trend in the bud. Airports should carryout routine checks as part of their already burdensome security process. Staff should have discretion as to whom they search. My advice would be beer bellied, tattoo showing middle-aged bald men. Just them.

2) Keep tissues or handkerchiefs up their sleeves: This may be a cute older person thing, but it remains grossly unhygienic. 'What possesses one to perform such a ritual,' I ask? Pockets were designed precisely for this purpose!

3) Eat too loudly: Slurping soup or using one's back molars to crunch a noisy bolus is an act of monstrosity that can only be eclipsed by talking at the same time. At such a point I would kindly excuse myself from the table, find the nearest lavatory and dunk my head in the toilet.

4) Pander to their babies: Let us not declare babies as extremely 'curious' merely because they have eyes that are open and heads' that pivot.

5) Talk in the cinema: An unwritten set of rules govern film watching, the primary being to keep your mouth shut: unless you have problems breathing through your nose. Oh, and whilst we are on the subject of cinema going... don't kick peoples seats.

6) Have an ugly laugh: If you are plagued by an inconvenient giggle then be sensible. Only use it in noisy surroundings where it is likely to be drowned out. You must recognise your responsibility to society: a chorus of laughter can become a cacophony as a result of your chortle.

7) Be racist: Simply put; it is so utterly pointless.

8) Applaud when a plane lands: I have found this to be a French custom, and each time it happens I feel a part of my soul dies. I appeal to all British readers, remain in your seat with a thoroughly unimpressed look across your face. Ignore the fact that great ingenuity and a mastering of physics have spared your life. If this is a struggle, just look outside and see the awful grey weather you have no doubt returned to.

9) Wear juicy tracksuits: If you don't have the body for it, it just doesn't look right.

10) Ask for cutlery in Chinese restaurants: For there can be no greater insult. If you lack the dexterity to handle chopsticks, get a ready meal and stay at home. Alternatively smarter minds than my own have identified elastic bands as a helpful accessory in this struggle.

11) Fear awkward silences: I would take the silent abyss over any menial conversation about the weather any day of the week. Sit back and embrace the quiet. Noone will get hurt.

12) Fear the inevitable: We have all embarked on this train called life together, and unfortunately we are all headed in the same direction. Let go and be happy!