07/10/2016 09:50 BST | Updated 08/10/2017 06:12 BST

How Motherhood Taught Me To Give Zero F**ks

sdominick via Getty Images

Don't you just love the expression "I give zero fucks"? Maybe not if you aren't a swearer, but as someone who is rather fond of letting off some blue steam now and again, I appreciate it. Especially in response to something really annoying.

There are a lot of things I cared about pre-parenthood that I can now give zero fucks about. Here are some of my favourites:

My waistline

Sometimes I find myself at the hell hole that is the gym giving my gut the side eye in the mirrors but then I sternly tell myself - I made a baby, I'm allowed to have less definition than I used to. The most important people in my life couldn't give a crap that I don't have abs you could grate cheese on. Well, it's possible that one of them *might* prefer a more sylph-like wife, but he's sensible enough to keep those opinions to himself.

Taking up the pavement

Unless I see a white cane, I'm going to assume you have working eyeballs and can just GET OUT OF THE WAY when you see me sweating up the hill pushing an oversized lazy ass kid who doesn't want to walk anywhere. I am big enough to see, and you are spritely enough to move. Any tutting will be met with my DEATH STARE.

Helicopter Parenting

Just leave the little buggers alone. I used to follow mine round the park anxiously, terrified he was going to fling himself off all the equipment. Then my sister took him to the park, and let him do everything by himself INCLUDING the fireman's pole and he didn't catapult over the fence and into the road or anything. So now, zero fucks given about playtime - I read my magazine and have a coffee while he burns off some never-ending energy while I can keep half an eye on him.

Other People's Opinions

I really, really could not care less that you think babies should be weaned at 4 months and given only puree until they are one. I'm positive that I don't give a shit that your kid was potty trained at two (though that might be a shit your kid has just done in the soft play dude) I'm sure controlled crying worked just fine for you, but as much as a ball ache it was, I couldn't face the screeching and just fed the little toerag on demand, including night times when quite frankly I could have chucked him out the window rather than get out of bed again.

School Gate Fashion

I am never, ever going to wear a pair of high heels to pick my kid up from school. Mainly because I hate high heels and never wear the bastards anyway, but also because how do you chase a five-year-old scooter-maniac up a hill with heels on? Why don't you want to be comfortable? Ditto make up - it's only other Mum's, they know perfectly well how knackered and stressed we all are. Just relax and spend the extra time collapsed on the sofa like I do. Winning. (I would like a disclaimer here: if you like high heels and make up then please do keep doing your thing, you look gorgeous, I'm just a lazy bitch)

Recommended Daily Alcohol Units

Seriously, just stick them up your bum sideways. If I've had a horrible, shrieky, homework/dinner/teethbrush refusing day, I am having a glass of wine and I am NOT going to feel guilty about it. I might even have two. If I'm being brutally honest, I'm pretty sure I gave zero fucks about this one pre-parenthood as well. Ahem.


What do you no longer give any fucks about? Why not pop over to Mumzilla and let me know!