06/06/2016 13:31 BST | Updated 07/06/2017 06:12 BST

The Do's and Don'ts of Maternity Leave

If you are anything like I was, you'll be counting down the days until your maternity leave starts. You are probably feeling like the side of a bus, needing a wee approximately every seven minutes and have the temperament of a warthog with a wasp up its nose. You. Need. A. Break.


You might be a crazy woman who wants to work right up to the point that you have to pay for a cleaning charge on your office chair because your waters broke on it, and you're still yelling instructions to colleagues between puffs on the gas and air. Or you finally get to the long awaited day when your leave starts, thinking you'll have a few weeks before baby arrives and it's pop! here comes the bubba! If you are either of these then you needn't read the following.

But, should you find yourself with the bliss that is the two or so weeks you get to yourself before you have no time to yourself EVER AGAIN, then here's the Mumzilla dos and don'ts...


Sort out the baby's room. It's so exciting making the cot and setting out little outfits. Make sure it's comfy - you'll be spending A LOT of time in here (the room, not the cot.)

Make a baby changing station downstairs, in a place that won't kill your back from bending over. Traipsing up and down stairs 16 times a day with a soiled and wailing infant isn't much fun.

An online shop. I would suggest getting lots of food that is easy to grab, or be fed to you with a spoon by your partner as you attempt to stuff your boob in baby's mouth.


Spring clean. You'll only knacker yourself and the place will look like a bomb's hit it in a few weeks anyway. If you must, get a willing pal to do it instead - people will do anything for an enormously fat person with doe eyes (even if it is out of fear that you will go warthog on them)

Cook a load of lasagnes. I know everyone says you should, but just relax and put your feet up. Get oven meals instead - you'll be sick of lasagne in a week and your house will stink of onions. Also what normal person has room in their freezer for all those meals? Mine's full of peas and 17 half eaten boxes of birdseye potato waffles.

Plan on anything cerebral. I planned on finishing the children's story I've been writing for the past fifteen years. It was all I could do to make it to the sofa each day and watch Criminal Minds with my mouth open and my eyes half closed.

Whatever you end up doing on your pre-baby maternity leave, try and do it in a chilled out, relaxed way. You're about to find out why! Good Luck!


If you would like to see more witterings, you can find me over at Mumzilla.