25/02/2016 13:13 GMT | Updated 25/02/2017 05:12 GMT

What FIFA's Mission Statement Really Means - Exclusive Translation

On Friday 26 February, FIFA will elect its successor to Sepp Blatter, the former FIFA president. I enjoy football and over the years I've watched football on TV for hours and hours. The other day there was French a documentary on TV about FIFA's culture, leadership and lack of business ethics.

Wow, what a complex organism FIFA is.

My new interest for FIFA made me log in to their website to read their mission statement.

The common belief that you can write down a bunch of empty buzzwords about who you are and what you stand for, and then connect it to practical reality is absurd.

I think FIFA needs some help in finding who they are, and what they stand for, so I rewrote their mission statement for them.

What we stand for


For Us. And then for Our pockets.


Developing football everywhere and to feed some of our stakeholders

FIFA's primary objective is to shame the game of football constantly and promote it globally in the light of its separated, disheartening ignorance of all humanitarian values, particularly through pretending that our focus is on the youth and new development programmes.

We share the success of the FIFA World Cup™ to support our own pockets and our friends globally.

Football has flourished as a global game because of this support. With USD 550,000 going into these programmes each day, we are spending more than ever on illegal activities.

Many of our internal and external stakeholders are supporting themselves and finance their day-to-day operations from involvement in FIFA. It ensures that some of us can live privileged and corrupted lives throughout the world.

Organising inspiring tournaments

Our second objective is to organise international football competitions. FIFA's goal is to be inward focused, open to bribery, and inspire others that this is the way to make money, through its competitions and events.

We are best known for organising the votes in the biggest single-sport competition in the world: the FIFA World Cup™. The revenue from this one competition enables us to stage around 30 tournaments every four years, (and buy many big yachts) which serve to develop many aspects of the game, from women's and youth football to beach soccer, futsal and even the Interactive World Cup in bank corruption.

Caring about society and the environment

Football is much more than just a game. Its universal corrupted appeal means it has a unique power and reach which must be managed (and hidden) carefully.

We believe that we have a duty to society that goes beyond football (spending more money is very important): to improve the lives of young people and their surrounding communities, to hide and ignore the negative impact of our activities and to make the most we can of the positives, aka the best you can do is to join the secret game.

Football can inspire communities of corrupted people and build barriers. FIFA believes that everybody has the right to play perverted private games with no discrimination or prejudice and we are striving to ensure that this is the case.

We recognise, and work hard to hide our internal activities, we always fly first class and are aware of that the FBI is very curious regarding the management of our events.

This is the third crucial third pillar of FIFA's mission: building a richer future for some people through football.

Read FIFA's current mission statement here.