05/06/2014 05:24 BST | Updated 04/08/2014 06:59 BST

What Her Majesty Meant - My Alternative Queen's Speech

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,

My government's legislative programme will make a valiant attempt to strengthen the economies of London and the South East in order to benefit the wealthiest in society.

Despite the fact that debt will continue to increase and my Chancellor has borrowed more money than he forecast, my ministers will continue with the pretence that their long term economic plan may eventually reduce the deficit.

An updated Charter for Budget Responsibility will be brought forward before my present Government leaves office on 7 May 2015 in an attempt to sound like they are in control of the economy.

My Government will also continue to cut taxes for the rich whilst failing to tackle the financial insecurity of low wages, the rise of part time, temporary work, unscrupulous employment practices and above all, zero-hours contract abuses.

My government will pay you £5 per week to stay married because my Prime Minister is an old romantic and I'm certain that a fiver a week will reduce the number of divorces in this Country.

Legislation will be introduced to help make the United Kingdom the most attractive place to start, finance and grow a business following four years in which more than 30,000 businesses have been declared bankrupt and the economy flat-lined The bill will support small businesses by cutting bureaucracy, such as: health and safety legislation, which keeps ordinary people safe and secure in their workplace - and enable businesses to access finance which has thus far been tied up in banker's bonuses and hedgefunds or subsequently used for political donations to the Conservative Party.

My government will reduce the backlog of employment tribunals by continuing to make it financially challenging for ordinary people to take action against illegal employer practices.

A token gesture will be made in relation to the national minimum wage by threatening to clamp down on employers who fail to enforce it, although my Government seldom uses the powers it current has to do so. This however, should not to be confused with an increase in the rate of the National Minimum Wage which my Government does not envisage being necessary.

My government recgonises the enormous mistake it made in the top down reorganisation of the NHS when managers got huge redundancy pay-offs, but were subsequently reemployed by the new CCGs.

In incidences of tax avoidance, my government will target Jimmy Carr but not Gary Barlow.

My government will afford Conservative-controlled councils the legal right to take the side of developers over residents in matters of planning law.

My government has plans to begin large drilling projects in the desolate North of England.

On the odd occasion in which my government will enable the building of new homes, it will look to fulfill its (now) historic pledge to be the 'greenest government in history' whilst at the same time, filling the odd pot hole in surrounding roads.

My government will continue to support the Big Six energy companies, refute any plans to freeze your energy bills but on the green theme, will tax shoppers 5p for their carrier bags.

A key priority for my ministers will be to continue to build an economy that rewards those who work at boardroom level at the expense of ordinary middle and working class employees, but penalises those people who have been made redundant during my government's austerity programme.

Legislation will be brought forward to allow people to withdraw all of their pension at once without a safety net erected. My government will support the minority of Britons who have been in a position to save money during these austere times. We will not bring forward any policies to help individuals and families who live hand-to-mouth each month, or address the alarming growth in the number of people dependent upon foodbanks.

My government will continue its attacks on the most vulnerable people in society by demonising them in the press and inflicting policies which attack the core principles of the welfare state.

My government will increase the housing supply for millionaires, ensure deposits for first time buyers remain unaffordable and fail to build the required number of social houses necessary.

My government is in talks with NEXT, Sports Direct and Pets at Home to turn Sandringham into a retail park with a high rise block of flats as my government fulfils its pledge to sell off high value land for development and housing.

Despite being totally aware that it patently hasn't worked, my government will persist with the Help to Buy scheme.

My Prime Minister has no plans to sack the Education Secretary thus ensuring eleven more months of declining morale within the teaching profession.

In England, my ministers will persist with wasting time and money by pursuing free schools, as well as implementing reforms to GCSEs and A Levels because the Ebacc idea was so warmly welcomed.

My government will continue to redefine the word 'apprenticeship' and desperately try to claim an 11-month work experience placement is in fact an apprenticeship.

My government will continue to work to build a fairer society where Liberal Democrat MPs will be allowed to have a go at being a Minister before 7 May 2015.

As a consequence of the popularity of the Official Opposition's childcare policy, my government will look to do something around free childcare with the requirement that any eligible family must be really, really poor.

Due to cuts imposed by my government, there will be more seats in Wembley Stadium than soldiers in the British Army by the year 2020. If those still serving wish to complain, they can take it to an ombudsman so we can give the Defence Secretary a break.

My government will continue to talk about what it thinks is wrong with politics but will not take any meaningful steps to do anything about it as we enter eleven months of a zombie parliament.

My ministers will introduce legislation on the recall of Members of Parliament but won't actually let the public have the final say.

My government will do it's best to be nice to Scotland.

My government will play nice with Wales.

My government will show the occasional interest in Northern Ireland.

My government will waste time creating more elections for positions that no one will understand because the Police and Crime Commissioner experiment has been such an overriding success.

My Prime Minister, who has done his best to fall out with the leaders of almost every major European government at present, will talk tough on Europe when faced with questions from British journalists, but will ensure that he resorts to his well-established role as a unassuming and ineffective negotiator when he resumes meetings in Brussels between now and the General Election.

My ministers will keep an eye on Syria and our troops will be taken out of Afghanistan before being handed their p45s by the MoD.

My government will talk endlessly about reform of the European Union despite having zero credibility with other major European leaders and no earthly hope of securing the reforms that it requires to stave off another backbench rebellion.

The Duke and I will now spend one minute updating you on our forthcoming diary arrangements in order that we fill out another minute so this speech is not recorded as the shortest Queen's Speech on record, thus proving we really are entering a zombie parliament.

If call me Dave thinks of anything else, he'll let you know as I'm off in my new carriage

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons.

I pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels.

Oh, and... shhhhh....don't mention the NHS.