23/09/2015 07:32 BST | Updated 22/09/2016 06:12 BST

Some Helpful Advice for Freshers

It's that's time of year again, wide-eyed and optimistic youths (plus my mate who's 23 and has dropped out of one undergrad degree already) are heading off to university to go and change the world courtesy of a media management degree. But starting university can be tough actually, and it can be particularly tough to forge new and lasting friendships with the people around you with whom you may have absolutely nothing in common.

So to anyone who's just started or is just about to start their first year and wants to know how to become a 'bnoc' here's my advice to you:

1 - Drinking to be cool is a real thing. One of the only real things in life.

2 - Don't pay attention to the propaganda, drugs ARE cool. And if someone offers you some then gratefully accept as they're also quite expensive.

3 - You're at uni, so you sort of exist in this parallel society where normal societal codes of conduct don't really apply. So your drunken antics don't really have consequences because you were pissed! 'But Officer, I was pissed'! - 'Oh you were? Well never mind then, it doesn't count if you were pissed, stay safe young person' *police officer ruffles your hair and sends you on your way*.

4 - You know what overdrafts are right? They're FREE MONEY.

5 - Smoking is a great way to meet people in the designated areas of clubs or bars. Start with 10 a day and work your way up. Remember 10 a day = 10 friends a day! How popular can you become?!


One too many larger shandies for this chap.

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6 - Don't worry about lectures too much. Nobody gets good jobs after graduating anyway. And unless you're doing medicine or physics at Oxford your three years at uni are a waste of time, so who cares?

7 - Throwing up is hilarious man. Remember American Pie or something? You'll be a LEGE! Do it as soon and as often as possible.

8 - Chaps - ladies love a handsy, entitled, slightly misogynistic drunk. Keep that in mind and you'll be a big name on campus (BNOC).

9 - A course hoodie won't make you look like a twat, particularly if it's a sports science one. It's also a great way to let people know that you are at university. Hello! Student here! Future media sales exec coming through!

10 - And remember; you're a student. A STUDENT. This means you're smarter than everyone else; make sure people know that by talking down to shop/bar staff. You'll have a degree soon, not many people have degrees out there.

Good luck with your inevitable career as a telesales exec working for a boss who takes the piss out of you on a daily basis for going to uni and lectures you on how he's so successful after graduating from the 'university of life'. It probably won't make you want to die.