05/02/2015 12:24 GMT | Updated 07/04/2015 06:59 BST

Five Offensive Office Habits of the Marathon Runner

Your time is measured in weeks counting down to race day, and your life squeezed in around your training. I get it, because I'm this person too. Over the past couple of years of regular running I've perfected the following five offensive office habits that only marathon runners will understand.

Don't worry, I get it.

You're a runner. You ran in to work today. Your backpack is a tardis of tuppaware full of protein supplements and various smelly vegetables.

Your desk is littered with rice cakes, peanut butter and running magazines. Yes please, you'll have a tea, but no sugar, and preferably herbal; you're trying to eat clean and get off the caffeine unless it's time for intervals.

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Your time is measured in weeks counting down to race day, and your life squeezed in around your training.

I get it, because I'm this person too. Over the past couple of years of regular running I've perfected the following five offensive office habits that only marathon runners will understand...

How many can you tick off?

1. Marathonmarathonmarathonmarathon

It's all you think about, talk about, write about, dream about.

Your colleague asks you how your weekend was? Oh, it was great, you had the BEST weekend of training. Two hard runs and a Bikram session. You're so in tune with your body, man.

"Do you want a biscuit with your tea?"

Hell no. How dare they even ask?! You're in training for Christ sake.

*cries inside and reaches for the carrot sticks*

2. Egg O'clock

Most people have cigarette or tea breaks. But not you.

During peak training periods, all break times must be filled with a meticulously planned protein intake.

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You've been for your morning run, lifted heavy at the gym, or had a great swim to recover from your hard weekend of training.

Go on, get your hard boiled eggs out for the lads. Add some smelly fish too if you're trying to get quarantined to the kitchen or sent outside with the smokers chugging . (This actually happened to me this week).

3. Not-so-secret yoga & strategic stretching

Leaping up during a meeting to perform an impromptu forward bend.

Straddling your office chair for an almost-publicly-acceptable, glorious, glute-releasing pigeon pose. The occasional adhoc lunge on the way to the kettle.

These are not accidents. Quadzilla's come out to play and your hamstrings are on fire and need stretching.

And anyway, doesn't anybody realise how bad sitting down all day is for you??

4. Getting down and dirty with the foam roller

There's no dignified way around this, so you just drop and get it done.

Keeping the cursing and wails to an office-friendly level, you writhe around the floor like your life depends on it.

Which, incidentally, it does - because if you don't sort your legs out, you won't be able to run tomorrow.

And if you can't run... well. What's the point?

5. Dot Cotton's launderette

Rain-sodden socks and waterproofs line the various radiators around the room, and no less than three headbands, two hoodies and a spare full running kit shares the draw space with your files and documents.

Under your desk is a myriad of multi-purpose footwear. Cycling shoes to clip in with, running trainers for the emergency must-get-miles-in lunchtime run, work shoes for when clients come in.

Office slippers for all other occasions.

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Under no circumstances must you be unprepared for any eventuality.

Ever.

How many of the above can you tick off?

What other offensive office habits have I missed?