06/02/2012 18:47 GMT | Updated 07/04/2012 06:12 BST

Google's Biggest Questions, Answered

What are society's biggest questions? Is God real? Is Climate Change going to kill us all? Is freedom a right? Not according to autocomplete.

I typed 'is' into Google at 4am on Monday 6 February and the below came up. (Well what were you doing at 4am on Monday 6 February? Sleeping? Watching the superbowl? Or were you, like me, wondering what the world was about? (I actually got woken up by my own laughter after realising that 'hoops johnnies' was an anagram of my name - in the dream I was in the pub with my friend Rob (who I was calling Bro, haha) - before then, I was sleeping.) Anyway, the results:

If these weren't already your concerns, now they are. To save you fretting and staying awake at night googling "is hoops johnnies an anagram of my name?" I have answered them below.

Is David Guetta dead?

No. There was a hoax on the internet where some people on Twitter said he was in a car crash. It's inappropriate and irresponsible behaviour. Like if now I said that Tony Slattery has robbed a cattery. It's not true, it just rhymes. 

Is Santa real?

Yes. But he prefers it if you refer to him as Father Christmas. And his favourite drink is not sherry or brandy, but pink milk. My niece Cerys told me.

Is FaceTime free?

If you have already spent hundreds on an iPad, or an iPhone contract, and have WiFi, and enough bandwidth for 3MB for every five minutes, it's totally free! To be honest, just call whoever it is you want to speak to. Or even better, text them (don't you hate their whiny timbre?). There's only one reason you really need video calling, and that should be done in the privacy of your bedroom, with the lights dimmed, and you might as well just use Skype.

Is Kate Middleton pregnant?

Of course not, she's a Baroness! Wahey! No, that's unkind. She's a Duchess. Which means if she has a baby, it will be born in the Netherlands. No. Who knows if she's pregnant, leave her alone! I'm sure she'll tell us. In the meantime, Britain waits in anticipation for the splashdown of sister Pippa's bum-babies.

Is shingles contagious?

Yes, but if you've already had shingles or chickenpox before, you'll be okay. Stay at home though, because it would be well mean of you to go making shingletons of unsuspecting passers by. If affected during December, remember to alert company by wearing shingle bells. Oh, what fun. The condition is not to be confused with shin gulls, where seabirds perch on your tibia... 

Is it going to snow?

At some point, yes. The BBC need something to report on during the slow winter months (politics is catching up on its homework after the Christmas hols). If it doesn't snow naturally, you may find strange machines erected around your cul de sac and foamy jets of white stuff will spurt all over your unkempt garden. I mean they will use snow machines. What were you thinking?

Is Akon dead?

No, this was another hoax from last year. Another hoax that rhymes we could start, is: Teri Hatcher, body snatcher. This is also not true, but it rhymes and is fun to say!

Is Lady Gaga a man?

Ha! No... otherwise she's be called Man Gaga. Idiot.

Is Justin Bieber a dad?

You'll be pleased to hear, the answer is no. Ew. Otherwise it would be like that moment when your best friend's little brother asked you to hold him back on the tyre swing for longer because "it felt funny but nice" and then after that you somehow had his baby.

Is my car insured?

Follow this simple flowchart I have devised:

If you have been affected by any of the questions dealt with in this blog, please call the Holby City helpline.

Love you all (not you)

thesophie x