29/09/2015 13:17 BST | Updated 28/09/2016 06:12 BST

NASA Cheats Water Emission Tests

NASA, or to give it its full name, the National Astronaut Something Acronym has today admitted to having installed specialist software on Mars, which allowed it to cheat water emissions tests. In a shock revelation, Sooper Noaver, head of Really Far Away Rock Research, made the confession to an undercover reporter, in a Florida bar.

The USA and NASA have struggled to reach the dizzying heights of success they enjoyed with the moon landing and have often referred to Mars as their "difficult second album". Mr Noaver, whose fondness for sparkling wine has earned him the prefix "Champagne", admitted that NASA needed a big hit, in order to facilitate their ultimate goal; selling Mars.

It has long been debated, whether Mars is capable of sustaining life, with its barren landscape, dust and dangerously-toxic atmosphere. However, it was found that a water supply would be sufficient in sustaining at least very basic life forms, much in the same way as Peterborough. If it were found that Mars had a supply of water, both interest in and the value of land on the red planet would increase exponentially. In fact, since yesterday's announcement that flowing water had indeed been found on Mars, phone calls from the rich and powerful have been flooding into NASA, wanting to place deposits on plots. Names such as Tom Jones, Joe Pesci and Les Dennis are rumoured to be fighting over a high-profile plot of land on the planet, with plans for the area ranging from a golf course to an abattoir. Plots such as this were last night being valued at upwards of £10m. NASA's head of Real Estate, Celeste Eel, admitted that the total value of the planet had increased by 2000%, to approximately £50bn, since the USA bought it from Marlon Brando in 1972.

The shock revelation that water is, in fact, absent from the red planet, will undoubtedly irreparably damage both its value and NASAs reputation.

During a candid conversation with Mr Noaver, he confessed that there has NEVER been water on Mars. NASA thought they'd hit the jackpot last year, when scientists saw what they thought was a rich network of rivers and streams, but this transpired to be a result of someone sneezing on the monitor. Mr Noaver states that this was the catalyst for NASA's plan to invest £400bn into the development of sophisticated software that would trick its £300bn sophisticated moisture-locating software into thinking there was water present on Mars.

Unfortunately, there ended Mr Noaver's confession, as the gravity of his admission dawned on him and he made his exit; slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball.

NASA was today unavailable for comment and Mr Noaver is untraceable but it's likely that someday we will find him, caught beneath the landslide.