05/11/2012 07:32 GMT | Updated 23/01/2014 18:58 GMT

Romney's No Laughing Matter

I keep telling audiences that the only thing that makes me feel better about the UK's government is watching the ridiculous state of the US election. While this is in some way true, it's hard to see positives in something that could end quite so badly. Sure, as a comedian, it could herald a return for us to all insult Americans again, like we did during the Bush Era. 'How could anyone have voted in someone as idiotic as George Bush?' was the general theme, mocking the choices of a country, whilst our leader at the time, Blair, happily danced to every one of their President's tunes.

It was a valid point though. Bush was not only someone who was dangerous but also seemingly incompetent with it. There were two levels of fear involved with his presidency. One was the worry that he'd hit that red button and nuke the world whilst fighting the concept of 'terrorism' without a second thought because someone with a beard lived in a place. The second was that he might hit that red button and nuke the world because he'd be flying a toy plane around it, slip over and head butt the thing. Either way, the fact that he was leader of the world's most powerful country at the time was always unnerving for most of the globe.

It seems as though we could be in a pretty similar situation again if Romney gets in. Part of me feels I have no place in having an opinion on the US election, because I'm not a US citizen. I've been there several times and thought it was nice. I've met some lovely Americans too, even the ones that thought London was a country and a few miles from Paris (not entirely wrong on the latter I suppose). I watch tons of US telly, listen to lots of US music, eat far too many of their products and occasionally put on a terrible US accent for fun because I'm an attention seeking twat. But I don't live there and never have, and so it's not my vote to make. Except while the World Series only includes the US, the US elections seems to involve the world.

I'm not going to hold my hand up high and say Obama is the greatest thing that's happened to the US. I remember hearing the singer and activist Harry Belafonte talk earlier this year. He explained why Barack winning was an incredible achievement for black America and a historical moment, before he then went on to tear apart his constant siding with countries such as Israel, his broken promises about closing Guantanamo and his horrific condoning of drones in Pakistan. But he has also introduced Obamacare which is the closest the US has come to having a more fair health service and his handling of the economy has stopped the US hitting such double or triple dip recessions that the UK is enduring. All in all, it does seem like he cares about people, even if it's not all the people.

This is where my increasing rate of incredulous exclamation noises kicks in whenever Romney is on the television. They have started with tiny snorts of laughter about his wife's dancing horse or further boasts of their wealth, showing he was not at all in tune with most of American. Not at all dissimilar to the UK's government by any means. Since then the noises have grown, over all his ludicrous, religion driven, narrow minded comments, ever closer to a Scooby-Doo-esque wail of confusion when it appears that despite condemning nearly half of the American population for struggling through its terrible economic climate, Romney still has a chance of leading the country.

It just doesn't make sense that he might be allowed to.

How can someone who hates most of his society, nay, the world be in charge of making decisions about any of it? You really think he cares about you? Not if you're ill, not a millionaire, gay, female, need to eat ever in your life or want to avoid having The Day After Tomorrow change its filmic status to a documentary. God forbid anyone allow Roland Emmerich an 'I told you so' opportunity. How can anyone who is pro-guns but anti-abortion be trusted? Isn't it just saying 'we need to keep fodder alive for our killing sprees.' HE TIED HIS DOG TO THE ROOF OF HIS CAR FOR A 12 HOUR JOURNEY! He either hates animals or doesn't understand the concept of them needing fresh air when travelling. Either way, he is not suitable to be in charge of his own household, let alone anyone else's. Oh and he's a Mormon which means he hates women and can't drink coffee. Sure the latter part of that is no means as important as the former, but I don't think anyone who may be up all night on emergency procedures but can't have caffeine is a worthy candidate for such responsibility.

I could write pages and pages on Romney but it's there for you to find on the internet. It's not hidden away. He's a clear and present danger. If you are a US citizen and are able to vote next week, please know that as much as it'd make my life as a comedian tons easier for him to win on November 6th, I'd much prefer to not spend the next four years wondering what further unnecessary war I'll wake up to on the news, or which scientists will be telling us we should probably find a planet to emigrate to sharpish. Jokes aren't all that funny if the afterthought is quite so bleak.