23/01/2012 17:33 GMT | Updated 24/03/2012 05:12 GMT

The British are Coming: Is it Time to Invade America?

Normally I wouldn't recommend Britain invading any nation, let alone one with nuclear weapons and a population of heavily armed Fox News viewers.

This drastic course of action is not for the sake of freeing a people from the tyranny of nihilistic capitalism, but in order to save Britain from itself.

I can't emphasise enough to our American friends that it's not you, it's us. We seem obsessed with ignoring the high living standards of our Scandinavian neighbours and instead prefer to copy the policies of the most unequal developed nation on Earth.

On crime, drug abuse, teenage pregnancy and poverty we look to a country that has failed to deal with these problems for inspiration. We're heading towards elected police chiefs, privatised healthcare and boot camps. This isn't a special relationship; it's a suicide pact.

Post-war Britain was able to reinvent itself by taking rock 'n' roll and rhythm and blues to the chop shop - so successfully, that we sold these bootleg boy bands back to the Americans and became a global musical power.

As we tried to fill the cultural vacuum of our dying empire, this love of Americana was to lead us astray. We adopted fast-food and McCoffee chains, ambulance-chasing lawyers and suburban 4x4s, obesity and out of town shopping centres.

We've embraced the worst elements of Uncle Sam's television; shopping channels, hyperbole driven news and 'dramality'. As I write, we fight a battle against the growing influence of US inspired pro-lifers and creationists.

We behave like the States' naive younger brother following it around into street fights with Middle Eastern nations. Yet strangely enough we're the dad in this relationship, it's as if the prodigal son returned and just got his old man stoned.

Now I wouldn't want to sound unhinged or anything, so for this 'Operation American Freedom' I'll be looking to form a coalition of the fed up.

The States' brothers, Canada and Australia, need to join us in a family intervention. I would also suggest the Spanish, Mexicans and French have some old scores to settle. Russia can only join if it agrees to play nice.

It's not as if I don't have a plan for when all that nasty business of war is over and done with; not having a post invasion plan would just be silly.

Britain gets the North East corner, Canada can have the North West, Russia can have Alaska and Sarah Palin. Spain gets Florida and Mexico can have the South West back. France can have the chunk it flogged off during the Louisiana Land Purchase as long as it builds a decent levee system for New Orleans.

Cuba can have Guantanamo Bay back, Australia gets Hawaii, America Samoa and any other random Islands it wants to holiday on. This isn't neo-colonialism of course but part of a transitional program towards democracy.

The next step is to enter into power-sharing agreements with the Native Americans who should feel free to open reservations for their white settler friends.

I would further suggest free healthcare for all, greater gun control and the freedom to criticise one's own nation without being described as un-American.

Ultimately though we wouldn't seek to settle historical differences or social problems, Britain has no high horse upon which to sit when it comes to such things.

What would be nice though is if we could focus on what is best about American culture; the energy, the creativity and the radical thinkers, rather than blind patriotism, religious conservatism and uncontrolled capitalism.

This is the nation of Noam Chomsky, Harvey Milk and Susan B Anthony. A culture of Warhol, Steinbeck and Robeson. This was the home of the moon landings and the Hoover Dam.

Sadly it would be far easier for all involved if Britain learnt to just ignore our friends over the Atlantic. If we sought solutions from nations with better records than our own and had the confidence to look at our own traditions of social reform to improve our society.

As that is clearly never going to happen maybe it's time to send in the Redcoats.