23/07/2013 04:54 BST | Updated 21/09/2013 06:12 BST

Royal Baby Mania or Just a Bunch of Pedigree Chumps?


Now that the new Royal burden has arrived it might be considered a mercy to perform a very late stage abortion before they enter the unforgiving world of public life. Some of the public will resent them for a life born into privilege; the rest will love them so much they'll fund the invasion of the little lad's every waking moment for the rest their lives.

Consider the people who lined the streets of Diana Spencer's funeral, they funded the celebrity industry which pursued her to her dying breath and then, having never actually known her, stood crying in front of her grieving children. They should have been begging forgiveness.

Not content with having destroyed their mother's life they now crawl over Kate Middleton's like voyeuristic parasites never considering what happened to the last people's princess they stalked.

The obvious and humane alternative to our current situation is the replace the Royal family with dogs. Their Royal Doginess could be lead from community group to building site and the British public would go wild; imagine a head of state that you could pat.

The advantages are numerous, cheaper, more likable and less outspoken. No more naked photos, racist gaffs, and spraying money up on horses and ski trips. The eugenic principles of royalty can now truly exist in the form of these pedigree chums.

What breed? Well the obvious choice would be a Corgi but then in keeping with the house of Windsor a German Sheppard Dog might be more apt. The Caviler King Charles Spaniel certainly looks regal enough but then considering what happened to the first King Charles perhaps not.

The Bulldog would seem a natural choice; inbred to the point of ill health they have real royal pedigree. Perhaps we can all agree on the Labrador, who could launch a war against a country with a Labrador on its bank notes?

If our Canine King bites someone, put them down, starts humping the leg of the French President, get them neutered, no need for messy abdications. There is nothing of value that our current aristocracy do that a few dogs on leashes couldn't do better.

Throw open the royal palaces to tourists, our new doggy overlords will only need a rubber bone and a basket in the kitchens. As an island in the shape of a begging dog it is surely this country's manifest destiny to be lead by regal rovers.