27/05/2015 12:51 BST | Updated 27/05/2016 06:59 BST

Parents: Why I'm Awake

Parents; please know I do appreciate your frustration when I do not sleep, be it at nap time, bed time or middle-of-the-night time (your personal favourite I believe). I understand that me being awake means you being awake and that when you have fed me, changed me and soothed me, you expect me to drift into a peaceful slumber.

I can see that in theory, when the room temperature is just so, the blinds are drawn and the appropriate gaps between naps have been reached; I should happily nod off.

However, as we are both aware, this often isn't how it goes down. And you, I am guessing, want to know why.

So - here's a whole bunch of reasons - pick your favourite.

1. I'm thinking of something funny that happened earlier

2. I can't get Baa Baa Black Sheep out of my head

3. I was drifting off but a slight irregularity in your breathing threw me off kilter

4. I'm counting the ways I'm more important than everyone else

5. You have a bad singing voice

6. I thought I needed to sneeze (I didn't)

7. I can't decide what to dream about

8. You put me down drowsy but awake. Idiot

9. I can smell onions

10. The lyrics to this Rock-a-Bye Baby warble are seriously sinister. Nightmare anyone?

11. Someone is making a loud shrill sound (it may be me)

12. Your arm is shaking slightly - almost like rocking is in some way uncomfortable?

13. Your desperation is palpable and putting me off

14. Ditto your irritation which I can sense growing

15. I may need a poo. Wait... false alarm (was just a big fart)

16. I'm suspicious that Bear is trying to take over my life

17. Come to think of it, I'm not entirely trustful of the cot mobile, either

18. I don't need winding, but I'm thinking of that huge burp I did earlier - you know the one - and I'd like it recreated please

19. Your stomach just rumbled

20. I don't like the pattern on my sleeping bag

21. I think I would settle better with Daddy (If I'm already with Daddy, then I would settle better with Mummy)

22. Regarding that tune you sang earlier, how would one actually know they were happy - particularly enough to clap their hands?

23. I've heard from a reliable source that sleep is for losers

24. I'm enjoying your company

25. There is so much to do in this life, I just want to go out and live it!

26. I'm wondering why you pay all that money for baby yoga when 75% of it is spent feeding or shushing me

27. I'm wishing I could wag my tail, and also that I had a tail

28. I'm savouring the moment, you should try it sometime

29. I'm not actually sure I'm tired. I'll decide for definite after some more milk, yes?

30. I've had so much fun I don't want the day to end. Or, I'm just being awkward.

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Feel better now..? No..? Sheesh... I thought knowledge was power? Well damn and blast it but at least I tried.

Originally published on Big Trouble in Little Nappies, which can be followed via Facebook.