LIFESTYLE

WLTM: Craigslist Man Has The World's Most Long, Cringey Dating List

13/03/2014 13:04 GMT | Updated 14/03/2014 13:59 GMT

It can be tough finding “the one”.

All those dates wasted to find you don’t share the same enthusiasm for Fugazi/ golf/ macramé.

Compromise, it would seem is key.

long list

WLTM: In precisely 1,454 words

But some people know what they want and they ain’t gonna budge. (Remember Larry Busby aka Romeo Rose’s vile, totally offensive hunt for "the girl of my dreams"? Wonder how that's going...)

Like this guy, who’s currently "advertising" for a girlfriend on Craigslist.

Most of us have a general list of what we do and don’t want – you know, GSOH, likes going out/ staying in/ snuggling under the duvet etc.

Not this guy. He’s very precise. 1,454 words precise.

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First lets hear a little bit about him. He’s in good shape, a non-smoker, loves music, laughing, cooking, coffee and bourbon.

He says he “Can’t help being a goddamn helpless romantic. It’s a hell of a combo being a Virgo and a hopless romantic.”

So far so whatever.

Now onto what he’s after. And please do keep reading, at least up to the bit where he details her precise behaviour, should he be unable to stop "caressing her ass".

What I want.

- age 26-30

-She's slim, long dark brown hair, deep naturally longing, engaging eyes, has imperfections in her natural beauty but they only make her uniquely gorgeous

-Loves to stay in shape but doesn't obsess over it or talk about it all the time.

-Challenges me in my ways but doesn't overly judge me for my faults

- communicates in our relationship even when it's tough to articulate what it is she's feeling. Even when over-communicating is actually an issue we talk abt it and laugh at ourselves

-Is her own woman- doesn't need fixing or help figuring out what she wants to do with her life, confident in her abilities and realizes the potential in her gifts and accepts her faults but doesn't dwell on them

-Loves to be sexual and is curious abt ways to keep things fresh. Doesn't have to be kinky or freakish, just into accepting pleasure and pleasing me

- Accepts help and love. I won't even elaborate here. Everyone is different, just be open to possibilities and not an emotionally triple locked door

- Wants attention but doesn't obsess or feel like they need it to validate their existence. She sends me pictures of things that she's into bc she's genuinely excited abt them and wants me to know bc we're best friends and bc it's fun to share. It's not bc she needs me to validate her taste or bc she constantly in need of my attention. She sends me hot pictures from time to time bc she feels good abt herself and knows that it turns me on and it's fun. She doesn't do it bc she needs an ego boost or bc she's feeling insecure and needs me to tell her that she's beautiful.

-she likes American sports more than I do. Not by much, but enough to kind of make fun of me about it from time to time.

-she thinks craft cocktails are cool but she doesn't care enough to feel the need to know much abt them other than the fact that she likes to drink them. She actually has a very developed palate and can tell when the drinks are well made but gets kind of annoyed or disinterested in the rest of the details. This also applies to food. Obviously it's wonderful to want to know and learn about these things and I would love it, but I'm just trying to say that it's not like there are "points to be won" by knowing the intricacies of the hospitality trade. I value her opinion greatly, end of story.

-Loves good tacos. It's hard to say no when she gets really excited abt eating tacos for the 3rd night in a row. Simple things done well are just a thing with her. Charming and refreshing.

- Loves my company but isn't afraid to tell me when she needs to chill by herself. Maybe she needs to contemplate a career choice, maybe a family member needs help, or maybe she just wants to sit at home and watch True Detectives by herself, or maybe masturbate or listen to AlunaGeorge while painting her nails and FaceTimeing w a friend from home

- she gives me tough love when needed and isn't afraid to tell me what she thinks abt my ideas or my preconceived notions. She's constructive in her criticisms and handles it w care and she doesn't play devils advocate all the time if she's bored with what we're talking abt. I do the same for her. Another way in which we develop trust.

- she's not afraid of commitment but does take each step in the relationship seriously and considerately.

- she's self deprecating but not in a debilitating way. She's not so insecure abt her faults that she can't laugh at them

-she finds ways to surprise me. Sometimes it's in her imperfections and sometimes they stem from her best traits

- she ambitious and driven but it doesn't consume her life. She understands that happiness is derived from many aspects of life and not just a career path of climbing a ladder. We feed off of each other in this way- sometimes we get too focused or we lose focus and the other is there to help draw us back into ourselves

- she has this a*s that drives me nuts. We lay in bed and some nights, when she's lying on her side trying to fall asleep, she has to literally say "time out! I love you and I love the way you touch my a*s and how your hands feel on me but I HAVE TO SLEEP. So either you go sleep on the couch or have a glass of wine in the other room until you feel more sleepy or just chill out...but either way, I can't sleep w you caressing my a*s. It just makes me wanna f*ck or masturbate...which is not what I need right now...I need sleep."

- she loves music but we don't necessarily have the same taste. It's weird sometimes and we have discussions that get a little personal but we respect each other enough to not make a fight out of it. She thinks I'm a little corny actually with my taste and my record collection and overall nerdiness about "needing to get this on vinyl." Maybe dance music is kind of "silly" to her but it's fun? Or maybe she loves hip hop but is careful to give it too much weight because of the way a lot of it depicts women? Either way, she's thoughtful about how she consumes art

- she's wants to be, and for the most part is, a girly girl but she can't help but let the tomboy out from time to time. It's endearing most of the time and when I recognize this she at first gets a little defensive but then admits that it's a funny thing abt her that she just can't help. It's times like these where we remind ourselves to not take ourselves too seriously.

- she loves nature but prefers "moderate nature." Hikes, beaches, boats, "cabin camping," waterfalls, fishing, canoeing, are all fair game but gets kind of weirded out by the idea of camping in the middle of a forest in damn tent or middle of the desert for 5 days. General attitude goes something like "bears and large snakes and mountain lions get into trouble when they go camping in the city."

- she's probably smarter than me. I try to be cool and "know stuff" but in terms of talent and intellect she edges me out.

-she's an intuitively caring person. She feels genuine compassion for those in need of emotional and/or physical care. You can just tell, from her body language to the tone in her voice. She doesn't make it a big deal or dwell on it. It's just a part of her

I could probably go on but I digress.

Intention set.

Are you out there in Los Angeles? Hello??

Hey, did you get to the end? Because he could probably go on, "but I digress".