Dear Santa, at the risk of being castigated to your naughty list, I have to lodge a complaint. The books and pajamas I got for Christmas last year were pedestrian and unsuitable. For your information, here is a list of things that I would really like to play with this Christmas.
Am I meant to be dieting to look my best in a Little Black Dress or eating my body weight in mince pies? I do wish the world would hurry up and decide because all these contradictory Christmas messages are giving me a headache.
My request is that you let Mrs Claus come this year. Yes, your silent partner. But I know she's the force that keeps you full of beans. You wouldn't be so jolly, energetic and kind without the presence of a woman in your life. She must be FANTASTIC. You must love her to bits. You should come too, to share the load, but it would be an enormous inspiration for all of us to feel her awesomeness. It might give us the boost that we need... Women are standing shoulder to shoulder with men, our partners; just like I'm sure you do with Mrs Santa.
I'm not here to be the Scrooge of Christmas treats, everyone deserves a little indulgence during the festive season. However, I do want to make you aware of how much sugar is in these festive beverages, before you make them a habit.
The Ninja Host is stealth like in her approach. She likes to see that guests have a full plate and a well topped glass. She comes in many forms: Mother in law, aunt, mother, sister and friend. She is sabotage personified.
By staying home, you're winning at life. You're protesting the system, man. Refusing to feed the machine. No one will know you're protesting of course, because even heat-sensing helicopters won't be able to detect you under nine blankets, but who cares. You know.
It's getting closer and closer to Christmas! And as if shopping is not stressful enough, there is the small problem of getting the loved one in your life a gift that she will really love. Fear not! It's all about finding something that resonates with her style and taste whilst it doesn't have to break the bank either.
"For the past few days I haven't been to the street begging for money to buy food for me and my baby..." This was what a mother at Brent Foodbank told us recently. She was on the streets begging with her two year old baby when she was referred to our foodbank for help.
On the eight day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight tantrums throwing, seven gins a-pouring, six nits a-laying, five nappy pins, four swear words, three felt tip pens, two snotty kids and a child screaming for a wee.
Thanks to organisations such as WIL Uganda, the Christmas message isn't forgotten and we can still play pass the parcel. In fact, sticking one sneaky sable under the tree could be your way to multiple women's hearts this December.
Whilst you lot were sunning yourselves in August I went up into the loft and got out my jingle bells. I listened to five albums of Christmas hits (yes pretty painful in August) and listed the ingredients for a classic Christmas number one. So just in case YOU fancy having a go before the 25th, here's my list. I think I've cracked the formula...
I have a confession: I won't be spending Christmas Day with my boyfriend. I never have in the years we have been together, and in all honesty, I don't plan on doing it any time soon. And it's not because there is anything stopping us spending the day together, it's a conscious decision that actually, didn't take much thought.
When you look deeper, right into the heart of the build up to Christmas, you begin to see cracks in its foundations. What on the surface appears to be a time of abundant merriment for all, is actually a vicious cycle that keeps us all manipulated like puppets.
This frangipane tart is all the things you want from a festive tart. It has orange curd and almonds and spices and dried fruit. It's missing marzipan but I daren't chuck that in. I know how shirty some of you get when I become all marzipan-happy.
So your partner is out on his Christmas Do, cramming 12 months of no social life into six hours. At home it's just you and the baby who is asleep... for the moment. You are alone, you are bored. It's Christmas damn it!
To maintain my cuddly physique and stop myself edging towards the chubby abyss / heart failure I found eating when hungry rather than the set three meals a day kept me in check.