I see how amazing and rewarding life can be, and although I have grown as a person from my experiences, I am upset at the amount of time my illness has made me waste. During these months of the year, when there are festivals after festival, surrounded by many a mealtime, I am trying my best to enjoy and acknowledge the beauty and root of these joyous times.
Once again my mind had become full of numbers and targets and filled with this concept that every minor set back was an enormous failure. Suddenly the all too familiar ritual of daily weigh-ins and calorie counting became habitual and without thinking I was slipping back into the icy grasp of anorexia, who I had tried so hard to separate from.
I can't just put food in my body like I'm putting petrol in a car; there are no feelings in a car. That's why I'm supporting a new online forum created by Fixers where young people who've had an eating disorder can talk about their experience in order to help others - be it family, friends of professionals - understand.
Too many times the work of mental health services is clouded by negativity and tragedies. In many instances this means that the successes are overshadowed, and mental health teams as a whole are portrayed in a negative light. My aim today is to break that portrayal, all in dedication of the team of professionals that saved my life numerous times...
I normally have texts to reply to, Facebook messages to read, letters I ought to be writing and sending; but sometimes I just don't have the brain space to respond. It's hard when you have a day when you're feeling low or finding it hard to muster together the motivation to do all of the things you need to and then there's being sociable added in too.
People tell you that things happen for a reason, often when the situation lacks any reason at all. I've been thinking a lot recently about life and it's challenges. The way I see it is that you live, you love, you often lose but then you continue to find a way to pick up the broken pieces or smooth the edges in order to live again.
Mental health problems can be so very isolating at times. Last week I was a bit of a social butterfly, catching up with three friends who I've not seen in far too long. Some days it's tricky, there have been times when seeing people has just been really hard and I've avoided certain social situations. This is a message to my friends...
Many of us with eating disorders, like to personify the illness as a separate person or voice. 'Ana' for Anorexia and 'Mia' for Bulimia. Don't get me wrong; Ana is definitely not a 'friend' even though the internal voice I hear says otherwise. Personifying my eating disorder is definitely something that I found rather useful in my road to recovery.