If Edwin Brock had been thirty years younger than me rather than thirty years older than me, would I have advised him to earn his crust by writing advertising copy at the behest of people like me? The heck I would.
Do you want my alternative, semi-serious take on the latest Ed Miliband leadership 'crisis', Jeremy Paxman's retirement, Boris Johnson's birthday and Tony Blair's bizarre intervention on Iraq? All while doing keepy-uppy in honour of our (awful) England team in Brazil? Here's the political week in 60 seconds.
The inept clairvoyant of news This week has proven that in a land of lily-livers, the man who doesn't look that yellow is king. So it is for Nigel Fa...
When, in June, Paxman finally hangs up those weary eyebrows and quits Newsnight, he will cap a glittering career. For 25 years, Paxman's main talent has been the ability to ask questions of the foremost inconsequence in the manner of a courtroom drama auditionee.
Do you want my alternative, semi-serious take on the rise and rise of Ukip, Ed Miliband's 'Venezuelan' reforms of the rental market, Jeremy Paxman's decision to quit Newsnight and Cameron v Bercow at PMQs?
After a long Easter break that bordered on decadent, I'm back and newsing like never before, more eager to bust some chops than ever.
The Muslim community is far from perfect, but our misrepresentation as squabbling men who need reforming through those who have themselves rejected the faith is palpably absurd. Who speaks for Muslims? How about the myriad Muslims doing the hard graft on the ground.
It may turn out that Noel Edmonds and his consortium are not the right people to save the BBC. Nevertheless, it doesn't look good when a flagship BBC news programme mocks someone for showing an interest in transforming the broadcaster for the better. Whether Paxman likes it or not, the BBC has to change.
Another day, and another journalist has laid into the young generation of today, insinuating they are weak and without moral fibre. As Jeremy Paxman put it this week, they are considered: 'materialistic, self-obsessed, hedonistic ... because of the decline of the traditional notion of duty and the influence of social media'.
This isn't just about economics. The politics matter, too. Pledging to tackle inequality - within the rubric of "Whose recovery is this?" - helps Labour neutralise the positive Tory narrative of "Growth is back". Crucially, it offers Miliband his own brand of progressive populism to challenge the right-wing, anti-welfare populism of the Conservatives. This is the Inequality Moment.
Surely you must know the adverse effects of bad diet and no exercise. Why should the taxpayer pay for what is, ultimately, the exercise of your freedom of choice? This is the question that Jeremy Paxman asked the former NHS chief Sir David Nicholson, when Nicholson went to Newsnight to describe his transition from being the head of the NHS to becoming yet another NHS patient with diabetes.
We should reflect on the causes and how to prevent a repeat of the massive, inhumane loss of life that the 'Great War' brought about. We should be doing that regardless of whether the number of years can make the graphics look pretty. But there are so many other conflicts that need documentaries made about them.
How pathetic was I to feel so excited by seeing a young black man, whom I don't even know, on a high brow news programme? How depressing that in 2014 it's still a big deal; that we take to twitter to scream "there's a black person on", something our parents were doing 30 or 40 years ago. Why are we still doing it today?
Jeremy Paxman has shaved his FILF-y beard 147 days after its debut on Newsnight and, in doing so, lost the admiration of at least a third of the population. As the news broke, hundreds of spoons clattered into cereal bowls and thousands of tongues were burnt by spluttered tea...
With the excesses of Christmas behind you, it's time to make some changes for the better...
How to love yourself (and grow half a brain) The recent furore regarding Charles Saatchi and Nigella Lawson is a perfect example of what is wrong with...