It's hard for me to write this and come up with words and sentences because it feels like no one is at the wheel of the ship - so who's writing this? I'm pushing myself to keep going so I can remember what it looks like when it's written down and for everyone else who suffers with this to say this is not your imagination, you are not being self indulgent (I'm fighting my mind on that one). It's exactly what it says on the bottle, it's poison, terrifying and a complete mummification in nothingness.
All this busy activity distracts us from the fact that even though Christmas is meant to be a joyful affair, it also happens to fall at a tricky time of year (for those of us in the northern hemisphere). A time of darkness and decay. A time of introspection and reflection - activities that make for potentially unsettling pastimes.
When a horror movie is over, we feel a sense of relief. Phew! But our past memories can do better than any horror blockbuster, for they have become golden classics that we keep playing, watching and screaming, weeping, cringing, getting upset about, over and over again, without wanting or knowing when or how to exorcise and switch them off.
Picture your typical weekday: from the moment your alarm goes off, blaring annoyingly, until the last time you check your emails before lights out, it's full speed ahead. Most of us rush through the week, struggling to fit as much into our 24 hours as we possibly can, fast (sometimes healthy) food...
Your survival brain is constantly storing patterns of associations so that it doesn't miss something potentially threatening. When it recognises a pattern, then it creates feelings - a combination of sensations and thoughts - to trigger a behaviour that "worked" in the past. This is why you find yourself waiting until you feel like doing something to do it.
I started my journey to publicise the book in New York. Everyone tells me they love New York, to me it's a gang rape on the senses. I want to confess war crimes after being kept up all night listening to trash trucks clanging. I took the subway late one night after a show, waited two hours for the right train and witnessed bedlam; feral people were howling like wolves...
It's so ridiculously easy to become lost in somebody else's dream; to go from the dreamer, to the dreamt and to go from a creator, to the created. It's way too easy to forget that we are our own authorities and that none of our thoughts, feelings or actions need to be co-signed by anyone else. It's so damn easy to forget, but so f*cking important to remember.
If after your efforts you happen to win a gold medal, trophy, bonus, hit a bulls-eye you'll get such a main line smack of dopamine you'll probably be addicted forever and spend your life hunting down the next hit at any cost. As humans we're natural born addicts when it comes to some of our neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, adrenaline, noradrenalin.
Do you ever find yourself rewinding the movie you're watching over and over again? Do you have to read the same paragraph multiple times? Most people are unmindful several times a day; simply being unaware of their surroundings or what's going on. Practicing mindfulness improves both your mental and physical health.