Dear Mr Prime Minister, you've had a rough time lately. You party is in disarray. Your popularity rating has never been lower. You've resorted to acknowledging that Ed Miliband exists. So I have a solution: invade America.
A new baby trumps any guests, even royal ones. All special treatment is diverted to the newest member of the family and guests must respect this and accept that standards in the home you are visiting may not be what they usually are. So Your Majesty do not be surprised if you glance around the room and see William's underpants drying on the radiators.
I think we were all amazed that The Queen was travelling on public transport the day after the horrific murder of the young soldier Lee Rigby on the streets of Woolwich. It showed courage and a determination on the part of the Queen to carry on and not be intimated by the threats posed by those who think nothing of wantonly taking innocent lives.
Now that we are all looking at the Coronation again on its 60th anniversary, I can see that the Coronation being broadcast on TV was the real start of the new era when posh began to give way to popular culture.
Watching the BBC's The Apprentice, I am reminded of a show in last year's series when one of the contestants endlessly repeated 'What's the strategy? ...
Expectations of the Queen's Speech, in terms of economic measures, were low. Sadly, they turn out to be right. Nothing that was announced today will make much difference either to growth in the economy in the short-term or its potential to grow in the medium-term.
Over the last session of parliament we have seen a remarkably thin legislative agenda from the government. Swathes of parliamentary time have been left unfilled and the bills that they did produce have been chaotic, badly drafted and badly managed. I have calculated that since the last Queen's speech, the government have u-turned on average once every seven sitting days. If No10 briefing is accurate, they are u-turning on this Queen's Speech before it's even been delivered by dropping minimum alcohol pricing, plain cigarette packaging and their register of lobbying interests.
This St George's Day we - 22 very different faith organisations, plus anti-racist groups - are reclaiming St George, plus people of different ethnicities and different religions (even the Welsh!). St George does not belong to extremists.
When I first touched down in Heathrow on 2 June 2012 I was broke, had one tattoo and was engaged. Now, I'm still broke, but I have collected 21 more tattoos (soon to be 22 - sorry Mum), and I'm definitely not engaged anymore.
I send Simon Price a message to verify if he identifies as straight; he does, but adds that he is "culturally queer." That'll do. He says I'm "Wide of the mark" to call Hilary Mantel's remarks bitchy. Why? "Because it demeans the valid points she made and implies that her remarks were made with personal malice, when her beef wasn't personal."
While The Queen has spoken approvingly of the UK's many races and faiths, for six decades she has ignored LGBT Britons. If she treated black and Asian Britons in the same way, she'd be denounced as a racist. Why the double standards? The monarchy is homophobic - if not by conscious intent, then certainly by default.
London now suffers more countries-per-monarch than any other city in Europe. This economic burden is just one of many constitutional injustices our head-of-state inflicts upon her subjects. So why did support for the monarchy reach a record high in 2012?
So where our Royal Family is concerned, let's make 2013 not a year of scandal, but a year of celebration. Let us give them privacy and eagerly await and then celebrate the arrival of a young Prince or Princess.
As London hosted a splendid summer of sport, all those who saw the achievement and courage at the Olympic and Paralympic Games were further inspired by the skill, dedication, training and teamwork of our athletes. In pursuing their own sporting goals, they gave the rest of us the opportunity to share something of the excitement and drama.
As austerity measures bite even harder, there's little festive cheer for many queuing up to receive donated food. That amongst those lining up for the hand-outs it's not just individuals on benefits, but plenty of men and women who work, is a harsh reminder of life in Britain today. "So many people who need to use the food bank actually think of themselves as someone who gives to the food bank, not who receives," Louise Wratten, who runs the Trussell Trust's Salisbury Food Bank, told The Huffington Post UK.
I love Britain because the single best thing to come after a night at the pub with pints filled to the top is a full English. I'm not scientist, so I don't understand exactly what the curing factor is. But I've tried croissants, chow mein, burritos... nothing else comes close. You've absolutely nailed it.