Denise Van Outen On Helping A Shy Child Gain Confidence | HuffPost Life

Denise Van Outen On Helping A Shy Child Gain Confidence

Ellen Wallwork— The Huffington Post UK

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Denise Van Outen isn't someone you'd expect to be tackling confidence problems.

But her five-year-old daughter Betsy is quite a different character from her loud and proud mother

"People always think because Betsy’s my kid she’s going to be really super confident and want to be the centre of attention, but she can be a bit shy and not overly confident," the 41-year-old actress told HuffPost UK Parents.

"For instance, Betsy started reception last year and when they were auditioning the kids to be in the nativity play she wouldn’t put her hand up to be one of the main characters, she wanted to be something in the background," Van Outen adds.

"She needs a bit of encouragement and that's part of my role as a parent: to support her and help boost her confidence."

Knowing how best to nurture a child whose personality is different from your own can be tricky, but Van Outen says she got a lot of pointers from her mother.

"I have an older sister and when we were growing up she was always less confident than I was," she says.

"My mum told me she didn't think she handled that in the best way.

"She would overcompensate for my sister, so if there was a party and somebody asked my sister a question or asked her to get up and dance, my mum would answer for her or get up with her, because she wanted to protect her.

"But she now realises that probably wasn’t the right thing to do and it would have been more beneficial to my sister if she’d got her to respond for herself, which is what she did with me and is probably why I've ended up in the industry that I’m in, because I had a lot of confidence growing up as a kid.

"Whatever you learn about confidence when you’re younger is something you carry through into your adult life, so it’s a really crucial time.

"I'm a mum with a five-year-old who’s not the most confident kid, so I'm trying to instill a bit more of that in her by repeating what my mum did with me, because I want her to grow up into a confident adult."

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However, Van Outen believes there is a fine line between helping a child stand on their own two feet and becoming a pushy parent, and it's a line she's careful not to cross.

"I do push her to try new things, but obviously only within reason, because you don’t want to force her to do anything she's not comfortable with," she says.

"I just push her take small steps to being more confident. For instance, if we go out to eat with friends I'll get her to ask the waitress for the bill.

"Just tiny little things like that which make her feel all grown up. Giving a child that bit of responsibility to do something for themselves makes a lot of difference as they feel so proud of themselves when they do it."

Van Outen had to put her confidence boosting skills into practise last year when Betsy initially struggled with the move from nursery to reception.

"Changing into a new school is quite a big deal for a little one, especially when they’ve been in a tiny little classroom and they're going to be moving into a bigger school with big kids," she says.

"That's definitely something I can imagine could be quite daunting at that age.

"So I just tried to make it exciting for her by talking to her about all the new friends she's going to meet and all the fun things she'll be able to do. It's an exciting new chapter in her life and that's how it should feel, rather than her having anxiety about it."

Another area in which Betsy has needed a confidence boost was with potty training.

"Betsy was about two and a half and at the time I felt that she was quite slow compared to a lot of my friends' kids," says Van Outen.

"Lots of my friends also have older children and I think it took Betsy longer to learn because she's an only child so she didn't have anyone to set an example for her.

"She had a few accidents and even now she still has the occasional accident, as all children do. She comes home from school with her little knickers wrapped up in a bag.

"Sometimes kids just get caught unawares. Betsy will be playing and enjoying time with her friends and she won't want to be distracted by going to the toilet. For a little kid going to the toilet is boring in comparison to playing with all your mates, and they don't want to miss any fun.

"She also sometimes wets the bed and accidents like that can really knock a child's confidence, so I think it's really important to let kids know that there’s nothing wrong with having an accident.

"I tell Betsy that's she not the only kid it happens to, there are lots of children that wet the bed and it is something that she will eventually grow out of, so there's no need to worry."

Teaching Betsy this lesson has lead Denise to settle on a new phrase to live her life by.

"As I've said a lot while Betsy's been potty training - accidents happen and that's ok.

"That's something I try and teach her and actually I think it's very good advice when applied to most things in life."

Denise van Outen is fronting the DryNites® Confident Kids 24/7 campaign which aims to provide parents with helpful tools and advice to boost their child's confidence and overcome challenges such as bedwetting.

Potty Training? 9 Pro-Tips for Parents

Public accidents(01 of09)

Accidents happen. And when it comes to potty training, do they ever — especially in public. Try to have your toddler go before you leave and use a “potty timer” to help you stay on track for the next break. No matter where you are, always make sure the first thing you do is to locate the closest restroom. It also helps to be prepared with a potty training emergency kit, full of wipes, a change of clothes, and training pants. (credit:Alamy)

Potty training on the road(02 of09)

Be prepared and expect travel time to be longer than it may take in reality. Try your best to plan scheduled stops and count on having to take extra time traveling for those unexpected potty breaks. Be sure your toddler is wearing training pants in case an accident does happen. It’s important to stay consistent with your training, but if there are scenarios where you aren’t left with many options, such as being stuck on a plane and your child can’t make it to the bathroom, once you arrive back home, you can jump back into your training routine. (credit:Getty)

My child is afraid of the potty(03 of09)

It’s important to remember that toddlers can’t always see things the way grown-ups do. Their fears are real and we need to respect them. To a toddler, something like falling in the toilet or something reaching up to grab them from the toilet is very scary, especially when it’s an unfamiliar potty! Build their confidence over time by making it fun and turning it into a game or letting them have their favorite book or toy while they go. You can even turn to apps for a variety of fun games and celebrations that turn going potty into a fun adventure that kids can get excited about! (credit:Getty)

Potty training two at a time(04 of09)

It’s important to remember that every child’s potty training experience will be different and that goes for twins, as well. It is not realistic to expect them to train at the same time, as both children will have different motivators, could be ready at different times, and take different lengths of times to train. Stay encouraged about success but don’t let a child whom is not ready feel left out or ashamed just because they’re not ready. You should custom tailor your approach to the personality of the child. Often times, watching a sibling go potty can give a child the confidence they need to get started as well. (credit:Getty)

Not making it to the potty on time(05 of09)

Your best bet to avoid a mad-dash to the potty is to establish a consistent routine and use fun rituals like a potty break. There are apps available that include potty timers to build a routine, but when accidents do happen, have it set in your mind that you will not make a big deal out of it. Reassure them with words like “you almost made it!” and maintain a positive attitude. It’s important to never shame your child if they have an accident, as this will make them more likely to hide and be fearful of the situation. To make things easier, Pull-Ups has partnered with Disney's Monsters University to make potty training more fun for your toddler. Simply through a playful ritual of asking your child "What does a little monster take?" parents can teach their children through positive reinforcement that everyone takes potty breaks — even their favorite characters. (credit:Getty)

I’ve never trained a boy (…or girl) before!(06 of09)

Your child trusts you and as long as you keep a confident, positive attitude, you’ll do just fine at potty training them, regardless of what their gender might be! Your toddler will feel comfortable and confident about their ability to use the big kid potty when you are there to help guide the process. If you want to give them more reassurance, ask a trusted family member of the same sex as your toddler, such as an aunt, uncle or older sibling to lend a hand in explaining how to use the potty. (credit:Getty)

Is it taking too long?(07 of09)

This is one of the most common potty training fears. Parents all have different ideas about when their child should know how to go, but need to be reassured of what is normal. There is no one, set amount of time it will take to potty train your toddler, because every child is different and will get started and progress at his or her own rate. You should never let external pressures give you false expectations about your child’s development or progress. This is one of the biggest milestones toward becoming a big kid, so try not worry and enjoy the ride while they’re still small. (credit:Alamy)

Am I rewarding my child too much?(08 of09)

A rewards system can prove incredibly useful in potty training. Whether it’s a penny, sticker, candy, or small prize for every success, incentives can turn an otherwise trying transition into even more of a game. Positive reinforcement not only makes your child more confident, but may also have them wanting to go potty even when they do not have to. (credit:Getty)

I’m frustrated and don’t know where to begin! (09 of09)

Potty training is one of the biggest milestones you will encounter with your child. It’s important to remember that it is a marathon and not a sprint. Don’t let pressures from friends or family get to you. Try to think about all the amazing developmental steps your child has been making. While toddlers certainly know how to push parents’ buttons and test our limits, we don’t have to take the bait. Take a second to step back and take a deep breath to regain perspective and control. Remind yourself that they (and you!) are only human. Give yourself permission to vent your frustration, but just remember not to do it in front of your child! (credit:Getty)

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