Transgender Model On First Dates Opens Up About Dating Woes: '9 Times Out Of 10 I'm Treated Like A Tourist Attraction'
This Is What It's Like To Date As A Transgender Woman
Natasha Hinde— The Huffington Post UK
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A transgender woman, who has long been looking for love, has opened up about the trials and tribulations of dating.
Alex Collins, who is set to appear on Channel 4's dating show First Dates, has revealed that dating as a trans woman isn't easy and that - aged 29 - she's yet to have a good date.
In an interview with HuffPost UK Lifestyle, Collins, who is a hairdresser and part-time model from Essex, said that it's "safer" for her if she always discloses her trans status to potential dates.
"Safety for me is paramount," she revealed. "I would not want to get into a bad situation that I could have prevented with honesty."
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Growing up, Collins knew from a very early age that she was born in the wrong body.
At primary school she wanted to wear girls' clothes and play with the same toys as her female friends.
"We would play kiss chase and I would chase the boys," Collins revealed. "They never chased me back and I didn't understand why.
"All the time I would hear: 'That toy's for girls, you are a boy'."
Collins went through her late teens as a homosexual man, but tended to avoid the dating scene.
She soon came to realise that being male just wasn't for her and from that moment on, Collins began her journey as a woman.
The 29-year-old has had two serious relationships: the first was when she was 18 years old and "trying" to live as a homosexual man, and the second came along after Collins began to dress in the way she felt most comfortable - as a woman.
"He thought I was female at first," she revealed. "But as they say, he fell in love with the person, not what's between their legs."
Sadly, the relationship didn't last and Collins ended up back on the dating scene.
Since then, she revealed that the majority of her dates have been unsuccessful: "Nine times out of 10 I'm treated like a tourist attraction."
"The worst date I've ever been on was a guy I met on Plenty Of Fish," she added.
"He didn't like cats, he drank too much on the date and got a bit hands-on in the bar. Then he told me he had brought an overnight bag with him and winked at me. So creepy.
"He also lied about being a smoker."
The date ended in disaster after the pair had a row in Liverpool Street station because Collins refused to go home with the overly-amorous smoker who didn't like cats.
Story continues below...
15 Things To Know About Being Transgender By Nicholas M. Teich
1. Defining Transgenderism(01 of15)
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The root of the word "transgender" comes from the Latin word "trans," meaning "across." A trans-Atlantic flight goes across the Atlantic Ocean; a transnational issue affects people all across the country; and so on. "Transgender" literally means "across gender." "Transgender" is defined today as an umbrella term with many different identities existing under it. Image via ccharmon on Flickr.com (credit:Flickr: ccharmon)
2. A Few Words Of Advice(02 of15)
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When trans people reveal their trans identity to someone, it is a highly personal moment. It takes trust and courage to talk about gender identity or gender transition. The best-case scenario is probably to: 1) ask what questions, if any, are appropriate; and 2) give the trans person an out if he or she feels like you are overstepping your bounds (even though your questions may be born of an innocent curiosity). This makes it easier for a trans person to maintain privacy and integrity. (credit:Alamy)
3. The Gender Binary (03 of15)
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The gender binary exists for easy categorization and labeling purposes. For most people, it is something that is taken for granted. Females who identify as women use the women's restroom. Males who identify as men dress in suits and ties or tuxedos for formal events. It is the way it is, and that fits well for many people. But for trans people living in a culture where the gender binary rules all, it is a daily battle.Image via kimberlykv on Flickr.com (credit:Flickr: kimberlykv)
4. Gender Expression(04 of15)
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Out of the three terms -- "sex," "gender identity," and "gender expression" -- which do you think we notice most about people on a daily basis? If it were a person's sex, then we would have to see under that person's clothes or test his or her chromosomes (and even then we could get a conflicting report). If it were a person's gender identity, we would have to either ask that person how he or she identifies or somehow get inside the brain and find the answer for ourselves. By process of elimination, you guessed it: it's gender expression.Image via MuLaN™ on Flickr.com (credit:Flickr: MuLaN™)
5. Orientation And Gender(05 of15)
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If we look at society as a diverse group of individuals where heterosexuality might be the most common sexual orientation but not necessarily normal, then we can more easily see that human sexual orientation varies: some people happen to be straight, some gay, some bisexual, and so on. This does not necessarily have anything to do with a person's gender identity or expression. (credit:Jennifer Levo/Nick Teich)
6. Coming Out To Oneself (06 of15)
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Realization that one is trans can take anywhere from a few moments to several decades. Usually, trans people have an inkling early on in their lives that their assigned gender feels out of sync with their bodies. The self-realization process is extremely complicated. The human mind does its best to help us survive, which can translate into triggering intense denial. Because of societal constraints, it is common for a person to try to ignore signs pointing toward transgenderism, whether consciously or unconsciously. (credit:Jennifer Levo/Nick Teich)
7. Surgeries(07 of15)
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Health insurance covers transgender surgeries in very few cases. Some people have fewer surgeries than they would like because of the high prices. Still other trans people elect not to have surgery at all because they simply do not want to.For a long time, and still in many places today, people refer to some transgender surgery as "sex-change" surgery. Later on came the less-harsh sounding "sex-reassignment surgery." Today, more and more people are realizing that surgery for trans people is not a gender "reassignment" but rather an affirmation of the gender that a person has always been. Gender-affirming surgery seems to be the most accurate reflection of this. (credit:Alamy)
8. Hormonal Transition(08 of15)
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For trans women, taking hormones is a two-step process. To help feminize a genetic male, it is very important to suppress production of testosterone. The other step that transgender women frequently take is the administration of estrogen, which is the chief hormone at work in biological females.Unlike their male-to-female counterparts, trans men do not have to take any estrogen-suppressing substances as part of their hormone treatments. Testosterone (called simply "T" in the female-to-male community) is a powerful hormone. The raising of testosterone levels in a trans man overpowers existing estrogen levels. (credit:Alamy)
9. Transgender Children(09 of15)
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There can't really be transgender children, can there? Kids can't know for sure how they feel when they're really young, right? Wrong. Gender identity is thought to be solidified by age 6. This does not mean that children absolutely, positively know how they identify by that age. It simply means that their gender identity is there. If it doesn't match up with the sex they were assigned at birth, then that will start to manifest itself in different ways.Image via libertygrace0 on Flickr.com (credit:Flickr: libertygrace0)
10. Sex, Gender And Nature(10 of15)
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Many plants and animals can be both male and female, biologically speaking, at the same time or at different points in their lives. In a comparison of 34 postmortem human brains, scientists found that the part of the brain comprising a small group of nerve cells thought to pertain to gender and sexuality were similar in trans women and non-trans women. Although the study only had one trans man's brain, it found that group of nerve cells to be similar to that of a non-trans man. Perhaps Dr. Milton Diamond put it best when he said, "Biology loves variation. Biology loves differences. Society hates it." (credit:Jennifer Levo/Nick Teich)
11. Transgenderism As A Mental Health Issue(11 of15)
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Gender identity disorder (GID) appears in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), which is the American Psychiatric Association's official diagnostic book. GID, soon to be changed to gender dysphoria in the DSM 5, is classified as a mental health condition in which a person desires to be the "opposite" sex of that assigned to him or her at birth. Due to its criteria, many trans people fall under this diagnosis.Update: The latest edition of the mental health manual used by psychiatrists to diagnose disorders reveals a change in thinking on gender identity. The perspective change is similar to a decision made in 1973, when the American Psychiatric Association eliminated homosexuality from its disorders' list. See more here. (credit:Jennifer Levo/Nick Teich)
12. The Bathroom Debacle (12 of15)
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Imagine resigning yourself to not ever using the bathroom in a public place. For trans people, this is often a reality. Those who are in transition or do not pass on the outside as "clearly male" or "clearly female" are thrown out of both men's and women's restrooms on a daily basis. Some places provide "unisex" or "family" restrooms, but the majority do not. If a transperson wants to go out and enjoy a concert, sporting event, or simply a day outside the home, he or she must make concessions that most people never have to think about. (credit:Jennifer Levo/Nick Teich)
13. Lesser-Known Types Of Transgenderism: Genderqueerism(13 of15)
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People often find the notion of genderqueerism difficult to understand. They may hear that a genderqueer person is in between male and female, or is neither, but they may continue to ask, "OK, so what sex or gender does that make them, really?" This is where it is perhaps most difficult to live as a genderqueer person. The constant explanations that sometimes get nowhere can be frustrating and disheartening for genderqueer people. (credit:Alamy)
14. Transgender By The Numbers(14 of15)
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Unfortunately there is no major consensus on the number of transgender people in the United States or the world today. Hard-and-fast statistics are lacking for a couple of reasons. One is that many trans people are not out and are either living as trans behind closed doors or living stealthily, meaning that people do not know that they were born differently than they appear now. Another reason for the lack of statistics is that so many different varieties of transgenderism fall under the umbrella term that it is hard to discern which subcategories should actually be statistically counted as transgender and which should not. (credit:Jennifer Levo/Nick Teich)
15. Parting Words(15 of15)
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In America we have seen that teenage suicide because of bullying has reached epidemic proportions. Many of these kids are LGBT, and most of them are taunted due to some component of their gender expression. I hope that you will talk to others about what you have learned about transgenderism. No one should have to suffer because of who he or she is, but we know that reality tells us differently. People have been bullied and persecuted for who they are since the dawn of time. But we are not defenseless. The more education that is out there about what is means to be different, the better. (credit:Alamy)
"Sadly, I am yet to have an actual good date," she admitted.
"I've tried dating sites and I do chat to guys, but so many are worried about meeting in public because they want to be 'discreet', which I don't want to be.
"Either that or they'll cancel the day before," she added.
But, despite the setbacks, Collins is an independent and strong-willed woman - and she insists that she won't stop looking.
"I don't chase boys, it's so boring," she said. "If the right one is out there he will chase me... And I can run in heels!"