We're reading books for children, eating food for children and wishing we still were children. To understand why, look at this list. Kids love lists.
Jaded journalist Donald Saddington writes:
"Look at the small print of this week's Budget and you'll see a hidden clause that hasn't been picked up on by harried members of The Lobby. The government's so-called 'Play 4 Pay' or 'Swings + Roundabouts' scheme has the dual aim of taking the strain off hard-pressed social workers whilst simultaneously getting the monumentally feckless back into work.
The country's most stubbornly bone idol will receive recompense in exchange for playing with highly vulnerable youngsters all day in Britain's myriad dilapidated playgrounds. Dole users will receive £2.31 a month in 'newsagent credits' which can be used on sweets or pop, but definitely not on fags. The criminally indolent apparently love p*ssing about on slides and swings all afternoon anyway - so it looks like a goer".
Web mistress Oulu Franchester-Hellcombe muses:
"Nigerian spammers have been recalibrating their calculations of late. Instead of asking 40 year-olds if they would like to 'Look and feel 20 years younger', spam ads will now ask 40 year-olds whether they want to 'Look and feel 30 years younger'. Plenty of grown-ups who long for a return to the simpler days of childhood are expected to answer 'Yes please!'"
Ga Ga Ga Bar
Arts editor and East London resident Vilchetta Clamproof elucidates:
"A new bar has opened simultaneously in Dalston, London, and Williamsburg, New York, which takes the infantilisation of punters to new depths. 'Liquid entrepreneur' Ost Banhof, who previously opened Puppy Corpse - where drinks are served in dog heads - was inspired by the sickening recent preponderance in bars of milk bottles, stripy straws, juvenile nomenclature, cack-handed interior design straight out of infant school, chairs and tables straight of infant school, and a general sense of gnawing disgust for the sophisticated drinker.
Ga Ga Ga Bar will serve alcoholic gripe water cocktails in baby bottles and dummies infused with tequila, which drinkers suck. The terrace features a paddling pool, Lego, a Wii, and 2500 One Direction dolls scattered hither and thither".
Food journalist Geffryda Frygefda scribbles:
"Kid's food is all around London's gobs at the moment: from cheeseburgers to fried chicken and chips. The babying of our food is 2013's stand-out trend. In Stoke Newington, T Time serves Alphabetti Spaghetti with sustainably sourced, gourmet pollock fish fingers and petit pois on the side. At RUSK in Soho, tapas of organic puréed baby food is served in dinky jars to diners sporting bibs - and teamed with 'dipping' rusks.
At Fling! in Clapham Junction's 'Nappy Valley' affluent parents of the next generation of spoilt little London sh*ts are invited to behave exactly like their uproarious offspring by flinging their food around, crying, sulking, throwing plates at the floor and smearing ketchup all over their fat faces".
Juvenile web content
Media correspondent Jeremy Fukbaskaets vomits:
"Cory Oranges Jr is a New York website owner who's just launched a UK version of his highly successful American site based on the power of sharing and the social web (and the fact that most of us concluded any meaningful mental development around the age of 11).
Oranges Jr has presciently concluded that the public don't give a flying fig about Al-Qaeda In The Islamic Maghreb or the intricacies of CIA false flag operations in the Sahel. What, however, they do love is grumpy cats and gifs featuring one of the Baldwin brothers. Oranges Jr recently outlined the site's strategy at SXSWi as one of 'Gossip, LULZ and lists'".
Casppar Fzzzf, film critic, barks:
"According to my Hollywood sources, Gaspar Noé is adapting Barack Obama's book for children - Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters - into a charming movie aimed squarely at under-8s. Due to Noé's involvement, adult interest in the film is expected to be high.
Meanwhile Pixar are working on an animated adaptation of Pasolini's Salò for kids - and, like all Pixar movies, this one should be getting the asses of mums and dads on those seats too".
Literature for kids (for adults)
Tom Wroxham, PR, perorates:
"I've been trying to get a satirical novel about my life in the media published for bloody ages now. My agent Chicory Hotwax keeps telling me to can it and write a book for kids instead. I was having lunch with Chix at The Clove Club last week and she told me that EL James, DBC Pierre and Stewart Home are all writing books for children - each to be illustrated with lavish cartoons of adorable puppies and the like.
Chix confirmed that most adults are now either so lazy, attention-deficient or simply braindead that they can scarcely manage reading to the end of a supposedly 'funny' blog post conjured up in one angry afternoon by a disgruntled hack, yet alone manage to plough through an entire literary novel written for adults. But a book for kids - they can manage. Just".