THE BLOG
04/02/2015 11:51 GMT | Updated 04/04/2015 06:59 BST

It's General Election Year... How Do I Look?

It's General Election year, which means MP's from each party will unite in their dread of interacting with the public. Appearing on your doorstep or in your town centre like Brigadoon , pretending they've always been there and that they can understand your accent and opinions.

The truth is that a lion's share of constituents are more likely to recognise their dustman than be able to finger their Parliamentary representative in a sex scandal themed Police line up.

To be fair, many MP's probably don't know who they are either, lost in a limbo like ether where the margins between left and right wing ideology is so thin that a electoral victory can now be ensured by the candidate who knows the most about One Direction.

Politics is dead. Likability is now the key to gaining absolute power.

Take Nick Clegg in the last General Election. Who can forget the way he enchanted the nation during the three way political debates by remembering everyone's name, firing them out like a vaudevillian magician recalling a deck of cards...

"If I could pick up on Janet's point..."

Hang on a minute, Janet made her point two weeks ago...How does he remember Janet's name?..What kind of sorcery is this?

Cameron fumed with jealousy,and stamped his foot silently "I want to remember all the names."

Gordon Brown stared into the middle distance, sloppy mouthed, tonging his ulcer. He knew that if he was going to stand a chance at the next debate he would have to get Bez from The Happy Mondays to dance behind him as he spoke.

Bez was busy. Gordon lost.

Four years down the line and lessons will have been learnt. Gone are the aggressive spin doctors, replaced by Gok Wan and his team of make over stylists, convincing Ed Miliband that a Hoxton fin, skinny jeans and Superdry T shirt is the ideal look to convince the electorate of Beaconsfield to vote Labour.

Cameron will be advised to take the 'Matey' approach to campaigning, sending out Facebook friend requests to every single eligible voter. Doing the ice bucket challenge with Danny Dyer and 'popping' round to help you clear out your gutters.

Clegg will have to raise his game and prove that he isn't a one trick pony, he'll have to successfully guess a constituents star sign as well as remember their name. Janet is a Virgo.

And now we have Nigel Farage, whose slapdash, loose tongued approach to campaigning may well keep him in the running. He'd be well advised to never talk about anything political, concentrating instead on his ability to banter about Breaking Bad or Tynchy Stryder.

The political challenges that face the next government will be tough, at home and abroad, so we, as voters, must make sure we empower the leader with the nicest hands and bum.

Our futures depend on it.