24/11/2016 15:56 GMT | Updated 24/11/2016 15:56 GMT

Confessions of a libtard

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It's easy to hate white liberals. I am one, and at times I struggle not to hate myself. My occasional bout of self-loathing pales in comparison (yes, that pun was intended and no, I'm not sorry) to the loathing felt by many other whites towards us.

Internationally, we are despised by the angry, white nerds of the alt-right, who call us 'libtards' and 'cucks', because we have supposedly been cuckolded by black people and feminists to the point of aiding them in their agenda of taking over the world or whatever it is that the alt-right think black people and feminists are trying to do.

Closer to home we draw the ire of a gallery of South Africa's own deplorables, the likes of Dan Roodt, Steve Hofmeyr and David Bullard. But a good white liberal would accept hatred from this kind of person as a badge of honour. We may be hated by right-wing white people, but we are at least considered to be better than them by most South Africans, right?

Wrong. To put it mildly, white liberals are not nearly as adored as we think we are. Steve Biko himself had this to say about us: "Instead of involving themselves in an all-out attempt to stamp out racism from their white society, liberals waste a lot of time trying to prove to as many blacks as they can find that they are liberal". Burn.

In Eusebius McKaiser's "Run, racist, run", he talks about the disappointment many black South Africans feel towards white liberals. He mentions Andile Mngxitama as an example of a black intellectual who, he suggests, may possibly prefer "racists who are overt about their hatred towards black people" to white liberals who may be in denial about our role in maintaining system of white supremacy in South Africa and who, while we act like we are integrated and progressive, "are not immune to the ideology and norms of whiteness".

Elsewhere, he quotes Rebecca Davis while explaining that one of the problems with white liberals is that we are under the impression that we're the "best whites", and that this perception misleads us into thinking that we are immune to being racist.

We white South African libtards do think we're better than our fellow white people. But aren't we?

Davis and McKaiser are right. We white South African libtards do think we're better than our fellow white people. But aren't we? My ego needs to believe that we are. So I ran straight to my keyboard and, desperate to prove my superiority over my less progressive white brethren, came up with the following important distinctions between us and the rest of the herd ...

The typical white South African lives in a big house and says it's because of hard work. The white South African liberal, on the other hand, lives in big house, realizes it's because of systematic racism and then feels really guilty about it.

The typical white South African says racist things unapologetically. The white South African liberal only ever says racist things accidentally before feeling really guilty about it.

Typical white South Africans pay their helpers and gardeners very little, while white South African liberals pay theirs very little but at least have the decency to feel really guilty about it.

The typical white South African dismisses the Fees Must Fall movement as a disgrace. White South African liberals, however, express support for the movement publically while secretly harbouring significant reservations about it, which they feel really guilty about.

Typical white South Africans talk about emigrating because South Africa is going downhill. White South African liberals only think about emigrating privately, in case of emergency, for example if the EFF decides to redistribute their homes without compensation. If they did end up leaving, they would spend most of the rest of their lives feeling really guilty about it.

Typical white South Africans are often a bit sympathetic towards racists like Steve Hofmeyr, Afriforum and Penny Sparrow. In contrast, the white South African liberal is very vocal about opposition towards racists, so people know that he/she isn't on of "those" white people. When "those" white people say racist things, the white South African liberal will keep quiet about it so as not to spoil lunch with an uncomfortable political argument. However, in our defense, we do feel really guilty about it.

If that doesn't convince you that white liberals are, while a lot guiltier, at least a bit better, I still have an ace up my badly-knitted, hole-ridden sleeve. And that's the recent US elections. Hilary Clinton is pretty much the perfect white liberal.

Like all white liberals, she is very vocal about her support for racial equality.

Like all white liberals, her actions and policies show that she talks about racial equality more than she actually does anything about it.

Like all white liberals it is very important to her to be associated with prominent black people. She gets photographed joking around with Beyonce and Jay Z, though she looks a bit uncomfortable around them, like she's trying her best to find everything they say hilarious. She is more progressive than the average white person, but not nearly as progressive as she wants to be. She reminds me of me.

And like me, she probably feels that she has at least a slight edge over the majority of white people. But if those white people are represented by Donald Trump, you would have to concede that she is right. Hillary is far from perfect, but she was widely touted in the US media as "the lesser of two evils". And in comparison to someone who claims to want to ban all Muslims from entering America, is planning to build a massive wall separating the USA from Mexico and has a history of trying to prevent black people from renting his properties, it would be very hard for anyone who doesn't regularly use the term 'libtard' to argue otherwise.

So I write this in solidarity with the lesser spotted white South African liberal and indeed with white liberals everywhere. We are the Hillary Clinton of white people. We may not be perfect, but we are, at very least, the lesser of two evils. And, in comparison to some of the names we've been called recently, I'll take it.

It could be worse.