Why Corbynistas Are Idiots and Hate EVERYTHING!

10/09/2015 16:42 BST | Updated 09/09/2016 10:12 BST

In spite of the unprecedented hourly drubbing that the media corps have dealt out on poor old Jeremy Corbyn, the man somehow survives and leads in polls. Furious by his lack of capitulation, the Eye of Sauron has now turned on the stubborn idiots who dare vote for him. Because it's more difficult to smear hundreds of thousands at once (they will keep moving around when you're trying to take a group shot) they've given his supporters a name: Corbynistas.

See what they did there? Combining the name 'Corbyn' with 'Sandinista'. That's right, they're a backward 80s Central American revolutionary junta. Apparently if you're against privatisation of your own grandmother, you're a militant Marxist. The Right have never quite nailed wordplay, however. They've been using the Nobel Prize winningly uninspired 'Libtard' for years now. But let's not forget the brilliant comedians our friends on the other wing have given to the world: Manning, Davidson, Chubby Brown, Andrew Lawrence. Quality all.

But actually this isn't really a left/right thing. Retrenchment of the state and empowerment of corporate interests over the needs of ordinary people has nothing to do with proper Conservatism. Free markets are all well and good in theory, except we don't have anything like them. We have crony capitalism, corporate monopolies and a disenfranchised population. A bouncing economy linked to imaginary markets that we bail out without seeing the benefit. We're incredulous at what is supposedly 'credible'. A set menu with nothing we want on it delivered to us in meaningless soundbites. It's what the press have been calling 'apathy'.

So who are these Corbynistas? The Daily Mail dubs them tinfoil hat wearing freaks because they believe that the world is controlled by powerful elites. Powerful elites? As if! Wealthy people having influence over things? Lobbying? Owning huge media conglomerates? Buying US elections? The very idea! But we all believe crazy things, eh? I'm still waiting for The Daily Mail to apologise for supporting Hitler and anti-semitism. Any update on that guys?

But it's not just the auld enemy. Writing in the Larger Daily Mail, Allister Heath claims Corbyn supporters need to get off twitter and read some books. Au contraire. If Heath took a break from underlining things in his GCSE history textbook and actually looked on Twitter once in a while, he might have an inkling of what's going on. His terminology reflects his lack of understanding. The vast majority of Corbyn supporters are not Communists. They don't yearn for utopia. They'd just have a bit more control over their own country, if that's all the same with you. The sooner that people stop acting like 'this is all there has ever been and ever will be' and accept that the world tends to change the better.

Rachel Sylvester cooks up a list of things that she supposes Corbynistas hate.

"They behave as if they think consumerism is selfish, aiming to be wealthy is bad and having choice in education is a dangerous thing...In short, they seem to loathe the attitudes of most 21st-century voters."

Now, I'll admit I haven't read the whole article. There was a link to it but apparently you have to pay to read it. And that's not going to happen. Paying for services? Sounds suspiciously capitalist. Ha! I kid. I'm not paying for it because it's The Times.

Funnily enough the attitudes of "most 21st-century voters" aren't keen on privatisation where it doesn't make sense, aren't stupid enough to believe that the economy works like a household budget, want to see something actually done about climate change and aren't keen on ideological cuts that have serious impacts in their communities. 21st century voters aren't so fussed about 20th century labels. They're just after practical, workable solutions which they actually have some say over. Frankly, it's getting a bit tedious to be under a government that has to dress up legislation in a false moustache just to get it through parliament.

She goes on to say that Corbynistas are "collectivists in an era dominated by individualism." You can't argue with that. Individuals getting rich off the collective's tax contribution is a cherished feature of modern Britain. Of course we shouldn't take a collective attitude to things. It's not like we're social animals living in families and communities working in companies in large economic unions under globalisation connected to the entire world online. Working with people to get things done? Prehistoric.

Some people want to be wealthy. Have a biscuit! Other people don't want to have to work full time and still need food banks. Have a pack of biscuits and some canned goods. In fairness to Rachel, it's very difficult to pin down hundreds of thousands of very different people in a short paragraph, but I promise to start hating consumerism just as soon as I upgrade my phone. K? K.

Toby Young said something too, but Toby Young says A LOT of things. He's Zoella in print. (It's a 21st century thing).

There was no "Hard Left entryism". There are no 'Corbynistas'. I know that nuance is beyond the press (as Private Eye demonstrated) and that they're itching to create "the other" because it's all our post-colonial brains can handle, but really Corbyn supporters just like what he says and how he says it. And remember folks: Other candidates and parties are available.

As newspaper sales continue to plummet, newspapers literally can't afford the legal budget necessary print facts. Opinion is safe and bull-baiting shifts more units. We now have 50 Shades of Katie Hopkins, so although we can't take them too seriously, we also can't honestly call them journalists. Tell you what. Let's call them 'journalistas'. They're like journalists except they are the true revolutionaries: They're managing to get paid without having the least bit of insight or conducting virtually any research. Vive la gravy train!