So. Many. Bodily Fluids – Readers Share Their Most WTF Festival Moments

"There was a full-size marrow across the toilet seat."

I was watching Olly Murs when a torrent of liquid hit me: soaking my hair, my face and the back of my neck. The person behind me had taken the full force of the plastic pint glass that had come hurtling through the air, but my friend and I bore the brunt of its contents: a pint of someone else’s warm urine.

Cold and covered in a stranger’s piss, I trudged back to our tent where, thankfully, I retrieved the washing up bowl I’d brought (because you never know when you might need one!). There, I proceeded to wash my hair and face.

No matter what festival you go to – from V Festival to Download to Glasto – there’s always a bizarre, sometimes life-altering (for the wrong reasons) experience to be had. And nine times out of 10 they involve bodily fluids (or solids, if you’re unlucky). We asked readers to share their most WTF festival moments and they did not disappoint.

Circle Of Trust

“My boyfriend went to Download and saw a woman with her dress held up taking a dump in the field with a circle of people around her cheering her on.” - Kiah

Doggy-Style

“I was on a Ferris wheel at Tomorrowland. I happened to look behind my friend as the next cabin became level with ours and unfortunately locked eyes with a girl who was being done doggy-style. She laughed and stopped, to the amusement of others who noticed in my cabin.” - Leanne

Free The Nipple

“It was June 2010 and I’d just got back from a month’s travelling in time for Glasto and England’s World Cup clash against Germany. It was a hot year and I’d fully embraced festival fashion with a cute, white and gold sundress to show off my tan. Cute – and cheap. Sometime during the second half, I looked down to realise my strap had snapped to reveal the whole of my right boob to the boy I was with, his friends – and all the beery, leery football fans in our near vicinity. What’s more, England lost 4-1 and crashed out of the tournament.” - Anon

Cereal Killer

“My friend got with a very attractive woman who came back to his tent and spent the night. She woke him up in the morning and passed him a cereal box. She’d taken a shit in the box. She then left. He decided not to ask for her number.” - Nick

Cast Away

“It rained so much I lost my car. I went to look at it and it was in a ‘lake’ with water inside, knee-high. I left the car there [a Fiat] and never saw it again. My brother was very angry because his Pearl Jam CDs were in the boot.” - Joe

Star Man

“Glastonbury, 2000. Stood next to a big, skinny hippie with a dust mask full of amyl nitrate that he took a massive hit from at the start of every song. Twice during Star Man.” - Shane

This One’s Taken

“I went into a Portaloo at Reading ’95 and there was a full-size marrow across the toilet seat. I quietly closed the door and left it to do its business.” - Anon

Unplugged

“I saw a man carrying a microwave around Glastonbury at around 4am. I asked him if I could use it and he was very possessive.” - Brogan

Caught Short

“I once saw a guy who had made it to the entrance of his tent, stuck his head in, gave up, pulled his pants just past his butt cheeks, shat himself and passed out.” - Vicente

Rush Of Relief

“I had a lady on her friends shoulders be lowered down to the ground mid-way through a set. She pulled her shorts and knickers down to her ankles to let out a steady stream of piss (which felt) purposely aimed at my feet. No wipes, relieved and ready to rock from her plinth.” - Anon

Walnut Whip

“Predictably huge queue for the toilets on the last day of Glastonbury 1995. Eventually got a cubicle only to find it contained a huge conical mound of poo projecting a good 6 inches above the toilet seat. On top of this some joker had, with great care, placed half a walnut.

“To this day, I’m still not sure how the previous occupants managed to poo from above the toilet seat. I expect it involved some sort of yogic flying.” - Jon

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

“I got kicked in the face by someone being pulled out of the crowd behind me during The Prodigy (Reading 97 or 98). Lost my contact lens, without which I couldn’t see at all. Had to get the Samaritans to find my mate and find my blue tent in a sea of blue tents in the dark.” - Sharon

Lost And Found

“My friend went to the loo in the night and forgot where our tent was. I tried to search for her. She hadn’t taken her phone. She was apparently convinced our tent was along the left fork of the path but it was the right... She spent the night in a tent with some kind European men and went to Lost and Found in the morning where we found her in a blanket eating some apricots.” - Jo

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Lady

“Opened a swing door toilet at Glasto as no feet showing, which implied it was empty, only to see a woman stood either side of the seat crimping off a big shite. Quite freaked me out at the time.” - Paul

Early Bird Catches The... Batman

“Benicassim 2013. It was 7:30am. I woke up to shuffle to the Portaloo to see a middle-aged festival-goer running down the length of the campsite with a bin on his head belting out the Batman theme tune.” - Amy

Aiming High

“I was at a festival watching The Eels and couldn’t work out why my leg felt wet... The man standing behind me had tried to wee into a water bottle, missed and got my leg. I was horrified.” - Corinne

Crap And Nap

“Stood in a queue for the loos and heard snoring. Ten minutes later, security opened a Portaloo where the snoring was coming from: a completely naked man (bar socks) was fast asleep on the toilet seat. They prodded him, he woke up and pegged it past the queue to a round of applause.” - Libby

And The Man Who Made The Best Of It

“A man had made a BBQ up against a very odorous portaloo.
Actual coals burning.
Food cooking.
He was wearing a white chef’s hat.” - Marsha.