Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 26 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife and I were just making fun of the Love is Blind people, briefly forgetting that she told she loved me and wanted to marry me 3 days after meeting me on a lesbian cruise
— Shannon Keating (@skeatings) February 19, 2022
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) February 11, 2022
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I'm Bubba now.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) February 14, 2022
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 18, 2022
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My mother-in-law loves to lecture me on the state of my house as if I don’t live with someone that she raised
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 21, 2022
My husband just called and the first thing he said was “YOU ARE ON SPEAKER.” 5 times 😭😭😭
— Chubby wubby (@CheriFlavour) February 18, 2022
A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbor’s yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 15, 2022
Whenever I’m in the passenger’s seat and my husband is driving, if he pulls up to a four-way stop, he quickly says “tell me when it’s my turn.” I have no idea what this man does when he’s driving by himself.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 15, 2022
Get married and have kids so a spicy night just means heartburn after 7pm
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 18, 2022
Every picture my husband takes of me looks like I’m about to sneeze.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 21, 2022
my wife just apologized on the phone for me having to continue to be ALONE in the house tonight until she and the kids get home later like she still doesn't know what makes an introvert happy.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 21, 2022
My husband and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards 2 days ago in the card aisle at Target and then returned them to the shelf because we'd rather purchase Valentine's Day cannolis.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 14, 2022
My wife has taken to leaving the butter on the counter European-style and I just caught the cat LICKING THE BUTTER and it appears she’s been doing this for months and that we’ve been eating CAT-BUTTER please send help immediately
— Sarah Kessler (@moveablejaw) February 19, 2022
I’ve been working at home with my husband for two years now, yet still every single day noon rolls around and we’re like “oh god, lunch, what on earth can we do for lunch”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) February 15, 2022
My wife is saying everything with her strongest Long Island accent today and I’m becoming less and less sure that she’s joking. She just called lozenges “lozengers”
— lucy bexley📚 No Strings is out now! (@bexley_lucy) February 20, 2022
I don't know whose husband needs to hear this but there is a door in the bottom of the toaster so you can dump the crumbs out.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 20, 2022
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 19, 2022
Marriage is easy.
My wife won an argument before I walked out the door this morning so I got in her car and moved the driver's seat all the way up.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) February 11, 2022
[during sex]
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) February 14, 2022
ME: *grimacing*
WIFE: you know I hate that stupid purple suit
Bought my husband “You’re f**n old!” birthday balloons. Forgot my oldest can read. It’s gonna be a party for sure.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) February 16, 2022
According to my driver's license, I'm 6 feet tall. According to my wife, I'm a goddamn liar.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 20, 2022
*sees scattered rose petals*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 14, 2022
DATING: You’re…You’re so romantic.
MARRIED: You’re…You’re going to clean this up, right?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) February 14, 2022
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My husband asked me to help him install some shelves later today, so I guess he feels like testing the strength of our marriage.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 16, 2022
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I explain at least five different things to her during the day.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 11, 2022
DOCTOR: How did you manage to pull a muscle in your neck, back and leg?
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 10, 2022
ME: No idea
WIFE: He was trying to roundhouse kick a bee