Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
i asked my four year old why she wouldn’t clean up her play- doh and she said “it doesn’t make my heart happy” like ok marie kondo u win
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 30, 2022
Signed 5 out of school early for an appointment and saw another mom signed her kid in late and the reason was “Monday” so I’m on a quest to find her and force her to be my friend.
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) May 2, 2022
My toddler ran past me, farted and shouted “for you mummy!” so happy birthday to me I guess
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) May 2, 2022
me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 3, 2022
son: I did
me: then why is your sister crying?
son: I kicked her
“This is not what I meant by sharing” I yell at my kids after catching the fifth cold of the school year
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 5, 2022
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said "now things are getting out of hand" with a straight face
— Nating in Captivity (@perlhack) May 5, 2022
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 4, 2022
Teen daughter:
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 4, 2022
Me:
Teen daughter: What?
Me: What?
Teen daughter: Why are you looking that way?
Me: This is how I look.
Teen daughter: Well, stop. You look stupid.
I deeply regret intercepting my 7yo who was about to copy this card she found online for my husband’s birthday pic.twitter.com/dizSDvnRFw
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 1, 2022
Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5 said “like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave”
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 1, 2022
I don’t (now) normally share pictures of the girls but I think you all need to see this. pic.twitter.com/MnCkjwHm30
— Sarah Johnson (@PhoenixEdSarah) April 30, 2022
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 1, 2022
Will someone please explain to me why my teenager refuses to wear anything warm all winter but now that it’s hot out he’s wearing the same hoodie every single day!?
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 4, 2022
10 said they had “the talk” at school so I asked her what she learned and she shrugged and said, “I guess we all have to start using deodorant next year.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 3, 2022
I called my 9 year old son's backpack a bookbag and he got me a rocking chair and handed me a bag of Werther's Original
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) May 5, 2022
When I get the kids to school on time pic.twitter.com/7WKbocXi6z
— Midge (@mxmclain) May 2, 2022
Shout out to all the sunburnt parents who spent hours applying sunblock to their kids but forgot themselves.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 30, 2022
If a dad is driving with his family and sees a cow, a horse, and a hot air balloon at the same time…Which one does he point out first?
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 5, 2022
5: mom why does that lady have a big belly
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 2, 2022
me: she’s having a baby
5: oh…is that what’s happening to you?
me: ……………………………please go
7 described the tree in her school as "perpendular" so that's what we're calling it from now on.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) May 4, 2022
5: mummy I want a sandwich
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 4, 2022
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: [has 3 kids of his own]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 3, 2022
also me: [goes out in public] ew. there's kids here.