Children tend to get creative with the English language, but they don’t always use their special way with words for good. In fact, they frequently come up with some pretty brutal insults.
Nobody knows this better than parents, who often share their children’s latest burns on Twitter. If you’re in need of laughter and commiseration, we’ve rounded up 30 hilarious tweets about kid insults.
7 told me today that my hair looks like I have "thousands of spiderwebs" coming out of my head, how's your day going?
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) January 31, 2022
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 9, 2022
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Kids are experts at making insults sound like compliments,
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 15, 2019
3yo: Your stomach is squishy like Play-Doh, it's fun!
My 8yo just told me she’s “not a fan of my signature,” so have kids if you want someone to insult you in creative new ways you never thought possible.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 26, 2018
One of the kids I work with just said I look like a ‘budget disney princess’ so I guess I’ve got that going for me
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) March 30, 2022
And on my next podcast episode of why I stopped having kids after this one:
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 10, 2021
I had my hair in a ponytail and my son walked in the room and said, “Ewww Mommy take your hair down, it makes your face look like the moon.”
If you’re having a bad day just know one of my kids told me I look like ET.....when he’s sick....not just regular ET
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) December 11, 2018
Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5 said “like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave”
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 1, 2022
Sometimes I worry that my 9 year old is too sweet for this fucked up world, but she looked at my face and said, "I didn't know you could be old AND get a pimple" so it turns out she'll be fine.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) September 2, 2019
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like "You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin."
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) February 8, 2022
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 16, 2022
5: mom why does that lady have a big belly
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 2, 2022
me: she’s having a baby
5: oh…is that what’s happening to you?
me: ……………………………please go
One minute you’re crushing a jog on the treadmill and the next you hear your kids yell, “Stop running, you’ll break it!”
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 17, 2022
Kids do this neat thing where they wreck your body during pregnancy and childbirth, then blatantly insult it from the moment they learn to talk.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 24, 2019
Said in awe: “Mom, you look like Scar from Lion King this morning.”
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) July 27, 2019
So I’m aging well apparently.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 3, 2018
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
— gⓗⓓ (@GingerHotDish) April 6, 2020
My 6 yo niece: if you grow your beard any longer you'll look ugly
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 29, 2021
Didn't even need to have kids to have that insult!
My 13yo had to draw a woman he admires for an art project and when he told me he chose me my heart almost exploded but then he said “my sister is too little so you were the only other choice”, and this must be what they mean when they say parenting is not for the faint of heart.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 17, 2022
I feel like crap and my 10 year old came into the living room and said, “Oh boy do you look like crap or what!”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 27, 2019
Kids are just the best.
10 year old: Did you have pens in the olden days when you were a kid?
— three time daddy (@threetimedaddy) October 15, 2019
Me: Yes.
10:
Me:
10: Did I just insult you a little bit?
Me: Why are you poking my butt?
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 13, 2018
8yo: Because it’s fun!
Me: Fair enough
8yo: Also because it so squishy! SQUISHY BUTT! SQUISHY BUTT!
Me:
I was shaking it like the Beyoncé I am when the kids came in, fell over laughing and told me I look like, “Cinderella trying to pee while wearing her glass slippers.”
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 10, 2019
-Me, explaining to my husband why I will be enrolling the kids in boarding school.
My 9yo just walked up to me while I was eating and said "good cow impression, Mommy! Nevermind, that's just you chewing." He might not make it to 10.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 30, 2022
My kid told me I look like David Beckham if David Beckham had no tattoos and lots of damage to his face.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 20, 2020
Every time I start to feel good about myself, my 5 yr old calls me something like Squishy Mommy to keep my ego in check.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 1, 2014
My 3yo told me I look like a burrito. Honestly I don't know if she meant it as a compliment or an insult.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) October 10, 2020
Me: *stops suddenly*
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) December 6, 2017
Kid: *runs into my ass*
Kid: Whew. I’m lucky that’s really squishy.
Me:
My 4yo just tried to insult me by saying I looked “really old like 20 or something” but it was actually the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 27, 2020
Prayers for my son who just told me I look like “an old grandma” because of my “puffy” hair. 😭
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) October 15, 2018