And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 30 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Friendly reminder that its not you, it’s just the photos your husband takes of you— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 1, 2021
My wife gets a delivery almost every day.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 6, 2021
Something came for me today, and in a judgmental tone she said "What did you order?"
I’m never more dangerous than when my husband asks me if I really want to eat this late.— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) August 9, 2021
Husband: What’s wrong?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 6, 2021
Me: I pulled a muscle.
Husband: Working out?
Me: Getting dressed to go to the gym.
My husband has started doing this new thing where he responds to me telling him no when he asks me to do something by yelling “is it because I’m gay?!”— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 8, 2021
my mom no longer wants a birthday party so i had to cancel her costco cake so my husband suggested we buy a smaller cake to commemorate the loss of the big cake he’s never been so sexy— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 6, 2021
I asked my husband how he is and he said ‘I’m fine’.— reverse mandalorian style (@louieresang) August 7, 2021
He’s going to divorce me isn’t he?
One of my favorite parts of marriage is when we separate and talk to different people at a social event, then download all the gossip to each other on the ride home.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 5, 2021
Wife: Can we play Rummy?— Sam (@mastrap84) August 6, 2021
Me: I don’t know, *can* we?
Her: *May* we play Rummy? I don’t know what you’re looking for
If I ever refer to my husband as my "rock" on Facebook, I've been hacked.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 5, 2021
Husband: “Please stop introducing me as your Uber driver.”— Obviously Everyone... (@OMGSoOverIt) August 7, 2021
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 6, 2021
The cashier was flirting with my husband and I'm upset cuz I thought she was gonna give us free chips or something— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 6, 2021
My wife just said to me “you’re right” so I’m expecting an assassination attempt at any moment.— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) August 1, 2021
I spend longer deciding what to order at a restaurant than I did deciding who to marry...— It'sa me, Marl-io (@Marlebean) August 2, 2021
My husband is out in the garage looking for something I threw away weeks ago.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 4, 2021
Do I just leave & start my new life now?
this one time my wife said “omg that was awesome” after we had sex, but she was actually thinking about the berlin wall falling in ‘89— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 30, 2021
Husband I agreed we each got to choose one movie this weekend.— Unexpected SAHM (@UnexpectedSAHM) August 9, 2021
I chose Fear Street: 1994.
He chose some documentary on fungi.
It’s amazing our marriage has survived this long.
One fun part about being married is you and your husband can get really into the new song “Blinding Lights” in July of 2021— KELGORE (@KelgoreTrout) August 1, 2021
I wish I loved anything as much as my wife loves new school supplies.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 9, 2021
me: i’m going to go get the mail.— Ordinary (@OrdinaryAlso) July 29, 2021
wife: i already got it.
me: (just needed 30 seconds of quiet) this is bullshit.
Just a reminder that if you didn't start discussing what to get for dinner tonight with your spouse 3 days ago it's already too late.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 6, 2021
I'm not saying you should marry someone because they're good looking. I'm just saying it worked out for me.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 6, 2021
Even the happiest married people have a list of TV shows they would immediately binge watch in the event of a divorce.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 6, 2021
awww my husband bought me a gift and it’s a really nice pair of gardening gloves— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 8, 2021
i don’t garden
Me: I hate the way you drive.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 4, 2021
Husband: Do you want to drive?
Me: No thanks. I prefer complaining about the way you drive.
My husband just got down on the floor in front of where I'm sitting and did 10 push ups.— Jamie (@jamie2181) August 6, 2021
Is this the dude equivalent of a dog bringing their empty food dish to you?