Pizza, Porn And Politics – Your Most WTF Virginity Stories, Shared

"His parents were upstairs – and I had my head on the dog’s bed throughout." 😳
DmitryTkachev via Getty Images

No matter what Hollywood movies say, most people don’t expect losing their virginity to be the pinnacle of their sex lives. Forget being a firework of romance and chemistry, it’s merely a starting point... from which to move forward.

Like any debut performance, chances are you’re not going to nail it (forgive me) on the first attempt. And when losing your V-plates, there are so many things to contend with – the not knowing if you’re doing it right, the condom shuffle, the fact it probably won’t last that long. Unless the sexual stars align in your favour, it’s more than likely going to be slightly awkward.

But there’s a difference between the slight awkwardness of a first time and full-on crippling embarrassment – the shame of which still makes you cringe decades later.

We asked readers to share their virginity stories and they did not disappoint.

The Unexpected Visitor

“I lost my virginity just shy of 16 with my then boyfriend. I was nervous but trying to play it cool (he wasn’t a virgin). Just as it seemed everything was going to plan – we were both naked and about to start – we heard a noise behind us and a window cleaner, hired by his dad, swung into view. Luckily my ex – erection and all – saved the day by walking casually over to shut the curtains. I’ll never forget that window cleaner’s face.” - Anon, 31

The Pizza Disturbance

“I was 22, and no one even knew I was gay. This guy and I went back to his mum’s house on a Friday evening when he said she was out for work. We both felt awkward and neither really said a word as things started happening, so he recommended putting music on. We were doing our thing for about 10 minutes and the home phone rang. He ignored it and we carried on. It rang again, so he got up to answer it and it was his mum asking him to put the oven on – she was on her way home and had a pizza for dinner. We stopped, said a quick awkward goodbye, and I left. Awks.” - Anon, 29

The Big Misunderstanding

“The first time I had sex, it was for about 20 seconds before the lad in question climaxed. He pulled out immediately after, rolled over and proudly told me: ‘I can’t believe I made you come that quick’. It turned out he thought climaxes were always mutual and if he’d climaxed, so had his partner... He also told me that women can’t orgasm without being in love.” - Anon, 34

The Used Condom

“I was 17 and with my girlfriend who I’d been dating for a couple of months. We were both losing our virginity and the whole thing was fairly non-eventful and over within a few minutes. But the next morning my mum (we were staying at mine) knocked on the door and opened it slightly to ask if anyone wanted a cup of tea. Unfortunately when I’d thrown the used condom in the bin at the foot of the bed, it missed but I hadn’t noticed in the dark. So when my mum opened the door, she was greeted with a used condom on the carpet. I cringe just thinking about it.” - Anon, 28

The Political Chat

“I lost my virginity in the first month of university, after a Halloween-themed club night. During foreplay, he said I had nice boobs. I panicked and did finger guns and said ‘right back at ya’ in a corny way. We went on to have sex but at one point there was an awkward silence, so he decided to fill it by asking me who I voted for in the last general election. I didn’t want to tell him the truth – I was too young to have voted – but I did anyway and said I would have voted for the Green Party if I’d been old enough (yes this was all happening during sex). Afterwards, I decided not to stay the night and as I was saying goodbye he got my name wrong. Complete disaster.” - Anon, 22

The Carpet Burn

“I was 19 when I lost my virginity. It isn’t that old, but I felt like I’d totally missed the boat and was an ‘old woman’ by the time it came around. Truth be told, I’d waited longer because I knew I was gay and didn’t want my high school peers to know, so I stayed away from the whole dating scene. By the time it finally happened I was so pleased to be looking at an actual woman’s vagina, I totally forgot we were in a single bed, swung my leg over with gusto, missed the mattress and collapsed on the floor in a naked pile. I even had carpet burn to show for it.” - Anon, 36

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The Failed Attempt

“When I was 17 my girlfriend and I were rather secretive about our relationship, especially with our families. It got to the point where she would drive us to a car park in the woods so we could make out – but we were both in agreement that our ‘first time’ shouldn’t be on the back seat of her Ford KA. Thankfully, her parents went away for an evening so we had the ideal opportunity to do the deed. But what we’d anticipated would be a meaningful experience was marred by anxiety, mostly on my part. I got stage fright and the soldier downstairs refused to stand to attention. We tried more foreplay to calm my nerves, which it did, but I was then too excited and finished prematurely. I was very embarrassed, having discussed it for weeks beforehand.” Anon - 27

The Dog Bed Pillow

“It was my boyfriend’s 19th birthday and we had spent the day in Camden together and got absolutely steaming. He asked me back to his parent’s house for the first time ever, but when we got there he didn’t take me upstairs to his bedroom. Instead, we went into the living room and had sex. His parents, younger sister and nan were all upstairs – and I had my head on the dog’s bed throughout. I was too worried someone would walk in so wasn’t fully undressed, my leggings were pulled to my ankles. But we’re still together six years later so something definitely worked.” Anon - 23

The Volume Control

“I was a little bit older than most when I lost my virginity, at 26. By that point, I’d watched a lot of porn to try and teach myself what to do. Of course, now I know porn is less ‘education manual’ and more ‘male fantasy’. Anyway, long story short, I tried to imitate the noises made by the women in porn – the grunts, the panting, the husky voice. All of it. I wanted it to appear as if I was enjoying myself, but my acting went a bit more pantomime and I was so loud our next-door neighbours ended up banging on the wall telling me to be quiet. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Needless to say, it was a while before I had sex again.” Anon - 37