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We only started trying for a baby six weeks ago – we were on holiday and decided to ditch the pill. We’ve been together for seven years and married for five, but didn’t want to try before now. We were loving just being married, enjoying the two of us, travelling and things like that. We gave ourselves a five-year deadline before we thought about children. And now, here we are.
We haven’t actually told anyone we’re trying yet – no one at all. Honestly, we are still not even totally convinced we want children right now but, at 37 and 28, we’re feeling the pressure of getting older. We want to be physically fit in order to play with our kids, to go on bike rides and go camping, and our parents are ageing and we want them to be able to be active grandparents. We’re still scared though.
As soon as the pill was gone and we had sex for the first time it felt really dangerous and thrilling. Is this going to be the time that will change our life? We know we haven’t been trying for long at all in the grand scheme of things (we have friends who have really struggled with fertility) but our sex life has changed already.
“There’s also a sense for both of us that we ‘need’ to have sex tonight whereas before that was never the case.”
There is a lot more subconscious pressure and a sense that we “need” to have sex at certain times, especially this week as it is ovulation week – we have one of those fertility apps that lets us know our most fertile days.
On a couple of occasions the pressure has been too much and we weren’t physically able to have sex because of erectile problems. We ended up going to Boots to get some viagra – we haven’t used it yet, but it helps just having it in the bedside drawer, just in case. There is a real mental battle to contend with: you’re not having sex just for pleasure anymore, it’s for a bigger purpose. That change means it’s always on our minds when we’re tired and lying on the sofa and thinking we should get into bed.
But at the same time doing it more regularly has brought us closer together, life is normally busy and you’re both doing stuff but now we’re spending more time with each other and that’s been great.
Of course, the biggest caveat here is that it is still early days for us – our friends who are struggling can’t be so relaxed. We are still enjoying having sex and trying to keep it romantic: we put candles and music on, the sexy outfits and underwear are still happening, have a shower and a shave - that kind of stuff. We’re trying to keep it fun for the time being because we’re at the start of this journey together.
That said, sex has certainly been more perfunctory than usual. Usually both of us orgasm, but that hasn’t been the case this week.The pressure to just get pregnant means the focus is more on him than us. Hopefully next week, when ovulation is over, we’ll go back to the normal balance.
It’s hard to put into words how it feels having sex when you know you’re trying to make a baby. It certainly adds a magical element to it, but it is just a crazy thing that we can make a baby between us.
We’re both a bit scared in a way that it will change our lives and our relationship - and who knows if that will be for better or for worse? By this stage we’ve discussed it a lot, but we’re still both trying to reconcile the desire of having a family and using your body to procreate, with our current lives of working and fun. Either way we’re both just being supportive of each other and trying to get through this weird mind game together.