Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband lost his voice so I get to speak for him now and it’s amazing how many of our longest running arguments I’ve suddenly won
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 8, 2023
My husband is telling me about a coworker who argues with her boyfriend on the phone and suddenly his work just got a whole lot more interesting.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 13, 2023
Husband [announcing he got chicken from Costco]: I got thighs and breasts.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 7, 2023
Me: Mine are better.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 10, 2023
My husband's beige flag is he's always ranting about the "feels like" temperature on the weather app. "If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????"
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 9, 2023
Stacy just solved an issue with WD40 and then declared “I’M THE BUTCH WIFE NOW!”
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) November 10, 2023
I made burritos for dinner and asked my husband what he wanted on his and he said "no cheese. We have way too much dairy in our lives as it is" and I just don't understand how I ended up married to a bad and wrong person.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 13, 2023
my wife tried to kill me by making Maxwell house coffee this morning. Good lord what is that? Dirt and shit?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 10, 2023
Today my husband and I were walking by the Christmas section in Target & he had the AUDACITY to say that we already had a lot of Christmas decorations at home. That is not how the Target Christmas section works. The decorations choose us, not the other way around.
— Emily C.R. (@EmilyC_R) November 12, 2023
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 9, 2023
wife: your dad's making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My husband’s diplomatic way of pointing out my RBF is to ask me why I’m grimacing.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 10, 2023
ME: "Ha ha. They had Timothee Chalamet play Troye Sivan on SNL last night."
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) November 12, 2023
HUSBAND: "Are you saying words?"
My husband somehow managed to order my to go biscuits and gravy “without bread.” He’ll be requiring your thoughts and prayers for the next 3-6 months.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 12, 2023
It’s all about balance.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 11, 2023
When my husband’s in the kitchen he moves the table over to the left.
When I’m in the kitchen I move the table back over to the right.
I promised my husband not to spend my whole paycheck on our cat.
— Saint Vivica, Patron Saint of Turkeys 🦃🦃 (@QueenVofCoffee) November 12, 2023
I just said I would spend hundreds on him instead.
I was out of town so I called my husband last night to see what he was doing and he said he was just hanging out at home. I told him he should go out with friends and he said, so sincerely, "it's Duncan's birthday and it would just feel weird not to be here with him." pic.twitter.com/TmEW1jQ8pt
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 12, 2023
Made plans to meet my mother-in-law but the good lord knew that was a bad idea and got her to cancel on me.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 13, 2023
I deserve some kind of medal for the restraint I showed when my wife recounted to the family how the neighbor's Weiner dog snuck under their fence and impregnated her childhood poodle
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) November 9, 2023
Me: Do you want a remote car starter for Christmas?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 9, 2023
Wife: Why? I already have a remote car starter.
Me: You do?
Wife [handing me her keys]: Go start my car.
Told my wife I bought her first Christmas gift and she said she hasn't bought me anything yet.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 7, 2023
I said it's alright because it isn't a competition.
Clearly I'm winning.