Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I borrowed one of my husband’s jackets and I was able to fit MY ENTIRE water bottle in the pocket. Men are given so much in this world.— Alyssa Leader (@alittleleader) November 3, 2023
me: I'm ready for bed— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 5, 2023
wife: IT'S 4:22!
me: [already snoring]
My wife just said "It's freezing in here."— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 31, 2023
Let the annual Thermostat Games begin.
Every healthy marriage requires compromise. I want to decorate for the holidays this weekend and my husband wants to decorate after Thanksgiving so we compromised and are decorating this Saturday.— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 3, 2023
cop: no fingerprints, no signs of entry— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2023
wife: why didn't they take my jewelry?
son: and who breaks into a house just to eat Halloween candy?
me: *sweating nougat* sounds like a classic cold case...thanks for coming out, detective
My husband: hurry! Come quick! You need to see this!— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 4, 2023
Me: the dog's head is resting on my knee.
My husband: never mind. This isn't that important.
A moment of silence for the 1 year anniversary of when I found out my husband thinks the candy is called "whoopers"— meghan (@deloisivete) October 31, 2023
there's so much "one person is chaotic and the other is structured and they marry each other" content and not enough "two chaotic people married each other" content.— emily (@emilykmay) November 4, 2023
Grocery store is giving out wine and beer samples so the wife and I rented a movie on our iPad and are chilling for the night in aisle 18.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 4, 2023
My wife sure does want to go on a lot of vacations for someone who's constantly at Target without the kids.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 3, 2023
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I'm looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work— The Dad (@thedad) November 4, 2023
My wife can make "Can you come in here please?" sound absolutely terrifying.— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 4, 2023
Don't know what's going on, but my wife has been in a bad mood since the day she met me.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 1, 2023
someone replied to one of my tweets to explain why it wasn't funny and I got really upset for a second because I thought that my wife had joined Twitter— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) November 6, 2023
The way my husband be getting conscious parenting tips from Bluey’s dad is funny.— Princess (@themultiplemom) November 1, 2023
Me seeing him doing something thought out and intentional: you’ve been reading!
Him: yeah and no. One day bluey was wildin for her respect and…
i’m a Gemini with ADHD, with a Taurus daughter and a Virgo husband. so I’m happy to announce there are now TWO people constantly explaining how I put everything away incorrectly— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 4, 2023
My husband just went out for a pack of cigarettes*.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 31, 2023
*another box of watermelon popsicles he's eating 10 per day I don't know what to do please help
What’s it called when you participate in your community wide garage sale and most of the clothes your wife is selling still has the original tags on them?— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 4, 2023
Did something extra naughty today after my husband went to work.— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 2, 2023
I turned the thermostat up one full degree.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside.— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 3, 2023