Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
When God closes one door, my kid appears on the other side yelling questions through it.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 20, 2019
My 4yo had to fall asleep holding a comfort bag of pretzels tonight and I've never felt more connected to her.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 21, 2019
You don’t know what stress is until you watch your 2 year old try to spread cream cheese on a bagel.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) November 21, 2019
Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying Thanksgiving dinner you can make sure no food touches on her plate while I microwave him a hotdog.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 22, 2019
6y.o: “Did you have iPads when you were little?”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 21, 2019
Me: “No.”
6: “Pens?”
Me: “Yes, of cour-“
6: “-pape-“
Me: “-SERIOUSLY, I’M NOT THAT OLD.”
Me: Rise and shine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2019
7-year-old: I can't do both.
She's all out of shine.
If you’re looking to get me something for the holidays, I’m a size overnight babysitter.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) November 17, 2019
None of the parenting books tell you that your 2 year old will name her feet Tommy (R) and Omar (L), yet here we are.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 20, 2019
Kid: Mom, do you know the muffin man?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 19, 2019
Me: *brushing muffin crumbs off my shirt* Why? What have you heard?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 19, 2019
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
...and then mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) November 18, 2019
- my 4yo explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game
Will I understand Frozen 2 if I’ve only seen Frozen 86 times in the past 4 months
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) November 19, 2019
If you prefer your fruit half eaten and laid out randomly around the house, definitely have a toddler
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) November 22, 2019
It’s a good thing kids have no money otherwise all their rooms would be decorated exclusively by those stores at the mall that sell swords.
— the drake gatsby 🔨 (@DrakeGatsby) November 18, 2019
If you remember the exact time that your second child was born, you're a better person than I.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) November 21, 2019
My favorite thing about putting my kids to bed is when they’re still awake an hour later.
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) November 22, 2019
*Becomes parent*
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 17, 2019
*Adds “Professional Bed Stuffed Animal Arranger” to resume*
My 2 year-old is so terrifying that I had to help the monster under his bed find a new job today.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 18, 2019
I talk a lot of shit for someone who spent an hour without the kids building a purple Lego house
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 21, 2019
I don't know whose toddler needs to hear this, but that toy food you're pretending to eat doesn't count as breakfast.
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) November 20, 2019
5 just corrected 2 (in a very condescending tone), “He’s called Dark Vader because he’s DARK.”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) November 19, 2019
Me (to self): You’re the parent, be mature.
Also me: Hahaha, WRONG!
I’ve been in Low Power Mode since I had my first kid. Two decades ago.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 22, 2019
Husband talking to our daughter: ... and that's how a baby is made
— Ashley (@AshToTheFuture) November 20, 2019
Me: you literally just described how to make a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich