Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Never is a mother more optimistic than when packing a book for a family trip.
— TeacherMom (@TweatingForTwo) December 31, 2019
Have you heard of “Bored” the musical? It stars all four of my kids and the pile of toys they got for Christmas.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) December 31, 2019
Your toddler is sooooo cute!
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) December 29, 2019
- People not cleaning up after him
7-year-old: How'd you learn to do that?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2019
Me: Do what?
7: Put hot dogs in the macaroni?
Me: A wizard taught me.
Me: Hey kids it’s never okay to lie!
— Melissa (@Fiveoclockmommy) January 1, 2020
Also me: tricks kids into thinking they are watching the ball drop at 8 instead of midnight
*nothing on the kitchen table*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 30, 2019
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
It’s 5:47pm on Jan 1st and I feel like I’ve already parented for an entire year.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 1, 2020
89% of being a dad is cupping your hands so your kid can puke into them.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 2, 2020
What’s it called when you love your kids but you can’t currently stand them?
— Mama•Is•Tired (@MomOf2Happas) December 31, 2019
The best part of bowling with my five year old, is his scream while running up to the pins like he's Braveheart.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 2, 2020
I love my daughter but she asked me if I was 22 & I said, no I’m 37 & she asked if I’m actually her grandma.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 31, 2019
when you’re pretty sure your kids had people over while you were out but you can’t prove it. pic.twitter.com/2v1sWfzDvM
— kim. (@KimmyMonte) January 1, 2020
*dinner requests at grandmas*
— Chris (@GettingMyDadOn) December 28, 2019
6- Can I have a pancake?
Grandma- What did your dad say?
6- He said no.
Grandma- I'll make you three pancakes for dinner.
Like Sisyphus eternally pushing the boulder up the hill except it's me picking up after my two year old.
— ☕New-ish Mom🍷 (@LifeThrewLemons) December 30, 2019
4 has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 30, 2019
She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea” and maybe someday day I’ll correct her, but definitely not today.
Me: Hey kids, I brought you home some yoga mats! I’m taking you to kids’ yoga tomorrow.*Demonstrates downward dog* This is how you do downward dog!
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) December 27, 2019
6: No, mommy, that’s not downward dog. That’s the “come and wipe my bum” position after we poop.
Have kids, they said.
UPDATE: My wife's resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 1, 2020
My kids: Can we have these boxes?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 28, 2019
Me: Ok just don't do anything crazy with them.
My kids: We won't.
[1 minute later]: pic.twitter.com/v9Er9Z5ItM
my 8 year old, watching a scene from Captain America set in WWII just said "wow that's a lot of technology for the 90s. this is the 90s right?"
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 3, 2020
I was just quickly and aimlessly tidying up my house, about 5 minutes in I realized that I was carrying around a potato.
— Heather 🦈 doo do doo do doo do doo do (@dishs_up) January 2, 2020
I don't know which room I picked the potato up in, I just know it was not the kitchen.
Kids are fun
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