Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
5-year-old: I'm going to be so good tomorrow.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2020
Me: What about today?
5: I have plans.
Being the only butt wiper you child deems acceptable is both an honor and a curse.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) March 5, 2020
Me: Want anything special at the grocery store?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 1, 2020
Child: No.
Me: Any snacks?
Child: No.
Me: Anything you want for dinners?
Child: No.
Me: Cereals?
Child: No.
[1 day later]
Child [rifling through cabinets]: We never have anything to eat.
Me: why are your socks wet?
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) March 5, 2020
Toddler: sorry mommy
Me: WHY ARE YOUR SOCKS WET?
Toddler:
Me: WHY ARE THEY WET?
Toddler: I love you mommy
This is not good
My favourite thing about watching movies with my 4YO is how she talks the entire time, then asks to pause it while she pees, so she doesn’t miss anything.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) March 5, 2020
if my kids are ever called to testify against me, there are two equally likely scenerios
— Pats O' Tweetin ☘️ (@PatsATweetin) March 4, 2020
-they detail my crime in excruciating detail
-they incorrectly describe the plot of an episode of scooby doo
“We don’t wear what we slept in out in public.”
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) March 3, 2020
-Me, lying to my child
6: Mom will you play with me?
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 2, 2020
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Sometimes I get the feeling that my family doesn’t really care about learning my fun facts.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 1, 2020
Watching the dogs lick up the kids food from the floor is the closest I get to feeling like a Disney princess
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 3, 2020
Someone asked me if I was concerned about getting the coronavirus.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 1, 2020
“I was exposed to the germs my kids brought home from Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. You can’t scare me.”
My kids: [pretending to bake] Here are some cookies for you, Papa!
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 2, 2020
Me: Aw, thanks guys-
My 4 year-old: We were going to throw them in the trash because they are gross but gave them to you instead.
Me: And there it is.
If saving a half eaten piece of bologna on your knee during kid bath time doesn’t describe parenting... I don’t know what does.
— Mummy Dear Go Bragh 🤦🏼♀️ ☘️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 5, 2020
Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 3, 2020
You know what would make parents feel more at ease about sitting in overcrowded bleachers at 7 AM on a Saturday? Blasting Eye of the Tiger.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 2, 2020
~Youth Sports
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) March 5, 2020
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Toddler: [wearing shampoo shield visor and full face snorkeling mask] MY EYES!!!!
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) March 4, 2020
Me: [hasn’t even begun to put tear free shampoo in his hair]
People who spend 15 minutes with 3: Wow, she never stops talking huh? Isn't that adorable???
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 5, 2020
Me, who spends 24 hours a day with 3: OMG SHE NEVER STOPS TALKING, I'M LOSING MY MIND AND ALL I WANT IS SWEET SWEET SILENCE 😭😭😭😭
My 5yo started calling me "your majesty" and this has been the promotion I've been waiting for.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) March 3, 2020
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