Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
How to portion control your snacks:
— Some Mummy that You Used to Know (@PritikaRyan) August 29, 2022
Eat them in the presence of a 3 year old. Youāll be lucky to get two bites.
11yo: I should get my allowance from when I was away at camp.
— Sarah Gollust (@sarahgollust) August 27, 2022
Me: š¤Ø
11yo: What, so now you *donāt* support paid leave?
My son just asked me how I know his nameā¦ā¦ Iām not in the mood today
— Finest š æļø (@BigNeyogems) August 30, 2022
"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 29, 2022
My 2yo literally told me what he wanted for dinner (hot dogs, tomatoes, grapes) went w me to the store to get it, scanned it at self check out BY HIMSELF, cut up the grapes, tomatoes and hot dog with his toddler knife, put it all on his own plate and thenā¦refused to eat dinner.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 30, 2022
When a kid says "daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor"
— LIFEISAJOURKNEE (@LIFEISJOURKNEE) August 31, 2022
Me: Of course you can sleep in my bed. I want you to feel comforted and safe.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2022
Toddler: Cool. Hereās a foot to the face.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy's tummy?
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2022
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made tea and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar of sugar back in the cabinet
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonaldās. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okayā¦McDonaldās in Japan.
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) August 31, 2022
"Why aren't Millenials having children?" Maybe because those of us who did were nice enough to explain to our friends you have to wake up at 5:52am and watch Thomas while holding a toy of Thomas and making him say "Wow, look, I'm on TV" before your coffee is even ready.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 27, 2022
My kid is literally eating dirt in the backyard but yea Iāll go ahead and triple-wash these grapes.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 31, 2022
6: āMommy, imagine you had to buy your baby instead of growing it out of your penis or your belly. It would cost like ten dollars.ā
— redyellowgreendance šš» (@RYGdance) August 31, 2022
So much to unpack hereā¦
6: mom whatās that
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 28, 2022
me: butter, it makes everything taste better
6: you mean it tastesā¦š£š¶šµšµš¦š³ *giggles*
me: my sweet summer child im so very proud š„²
10 y/o daughter likes to occasionally write us notes when she wants to make a point. After we suggested she could advance in math with some help, she wrote us that sheās doing fine in school and said, āI donāt need a Tooter.ā
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 31, 2022
My biggest disappointment giving birth was that the nurse didnāt raise my baby into the air and sing the Circle of Life as she handed her to me
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 1, 2022
My son told me that at recess he runs races. I sat there trying to picture my son being a competitive runner because he's not a runner. After a long pause, "you're probably thinking that I'm running but I'm the one starting the races. I yell go!" What a story.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 27, 2022
On the 1st day of school, my 6-year-old told me about his art teacher, Mr. McClay. This week, I found out his name is actually Mr. Mitchell.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 31, 2022
Turns out my kid has been calling him McClay because he thinks that's a better name for an art teacher.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 31, 2022
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
āmommy, someone just lost their kitty!ā is my 3yoās adorable way of telling me she stole someoneās toy
— Science Mom š¬ (@EmSlyce) August 30, 2022
Parenting books have been a lifesaver, without them Iād have rings all over my coffee table
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 30, 2022
*first day of school*
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 29, 2022
4yo: and there's a kid called Hunter
6yo: *muttering* I bet he doesn't even hunt
Iām not saying Iām nailing this parent thing, but my teen daughter did say good morning to me today.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 30, 2022
I'm not saying our children are trying to give us a heart attack but if you've been startled awake in the middle of the night because your kid was an inch away from your face staring at you, the thought has crossed your mind.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) August 31, 2022
It's pronounced Strawbabies. And if anyone tells my 3yo any different I will cut you.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) August 30, 2022
One minute you're excited that the kids are back in school and then 7 hours later you're reading about a field trip that costs $140
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) August 30, 2022
My kids, in a hot tub: So nice
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) August 29, 2022
My kids, in a lukewarm bath: TOO HOT