Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 26 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
sometimes I teasingly call my husband my “last husband,” not because we’re going to be together forever but because if we ever broke up i would definitely take a wife next
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 30, 2022
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
— Sprinkles the clown 🇨🇦 (@fozzie4prez) August 30, 2022
My husband and I were just discussing Odysseus and he pronounced “Penelope” peen-uh-lope, and I cannot.
— The Other White Betty (@EzMacArt) September 2, 2022
We’ve been together 23 years but she loaded the dishwasher like this again. It’s been a helluva run 👏 pic.twitter.com/bhWYwY9RBe
— meh, idk maybe (@burn_the_ships) September 1, 2022
Dads, it finally happened!
— TwinzerDad🌻🇺🇦 (@TwinzerDad) September 8, 2022
My wife needed two cables today and I went to my box of random old cables and immediately found them!
Bask in this moment of validation, fellas. This is for all of us!
man at a bar: is this guy bothering you?
— Ordinary Pumpkin Spice (@OrdinaryAlso) September 8, 2022
my wife: yes.
It’s very rude of my wife to not tell me our 7YOs school dismissal time, for which both of us got multiple emails
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 8, 2022
I drank my wife’s white claw before my fantasy football draft and now I’m only picking players with cute tushies
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 3, 2022
I hurt my back the other day. Since then, my wife’s been helping out by saying “Oh, here comes my favorite part” every time I try to get up from a chair.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) September 8, 2022
"You can't scare me, you're not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours"
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 7, 2022
- my husband right now, probably
for every year you're married, your husbands body grows a new patch of hair in a location it should not be in.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 2, 2022
[husband’s office]
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 1, 2022
Me: Do you know what would look great in here?
Husband: I’ll divorce you if you say throw pillows.
Me: I wasn’t going to say throw pillows! *thinking* it was definitely throw pillows.
My husband: Guess I’d better load up the GPS and figure out where we’re going
— CC (@CCRuns) September 7, 2022
Me: We’re going to the same restaurant down the street that we go to every week
What I think my husband and his friends talk about when they get together: boobs, butts, BBQ and maybe more boobs.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) September 9, 2022
What I actually heard them talking about when I walked by: “…I hate socks.”
Last night I sat my husband down and told him I wanted a 3rd kid. I’m so glad we both agreed to the kitchen reno.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 4, 2022
I accidentally used my husband’s body wash and now I get in my own way in the kitchen
— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) September 3, 2022
My husband: Ready yet? Ready? About ready? We should go. How much longer do you need?
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 3, 2022
Me: I’m ready. Let’s go.
My husband: Okay. Let me just go to the bathroom first.
Let's get married, have kids and play the "fake sleeping game" where the parent who opens their eyes first is the loser and has to get up with the kids who didn't get the memo that we sleep in on Saturdays
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 3, 2022
have no choice but to share that I’m cooking dinner for my family and just asked my husband how many eggs he wanted and he very earnestly said “as many as possible”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 4, 2022
Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said..
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 12, 2022
Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
— CC (@CCRuns) September 5, 2022
Amazon offered my wife a book they thought she 'might be interested in'
— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) September 5, 2022
It was my autobiography
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 9, 2022
The first five years of marriage is putting paint samples around the house and wondering if it goes with your credenza
— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) September 9, 2022
My husband's a MILF. Man in living room farting.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) September 8, 2022
I accidentally used my wife's shampoo and when I didn't feel well later I just kept it to myself and powered through instead of making sure the world knew I was dying
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) September 8, 2022