On Saturday I went on a course. It was called "How to Feel Good from the Inside Out" and Hippy Chick was running it.
I had done the course before as a half day, but after feedback Hippy Chick decided to extend it to a full day so it wasn't so rushed and people had more time to share and soak in all the information.
I always knew this was powerful stuff and I agreed it takes a whole day, at least, to really grasp the whole concept of increased self confidence and self esteem.
What I hadn't realised, until the day got going, was how far I'd come with it all.
I've had some one to one sessions with Hippy Chick. Some of them really intense. The ones after my redundancy were particularly painful. I sobbed and sobbed and let it all out then collected it all up in a big ball of frustration, resentment and anger and chucked the whole lot into the past. Where it belongs.
So on Saturday, I watched the the brave and incredible ladies who had the courage to come on the course, some of them crying, some so broken and bewildered with life they felt on the verge of a breakdown. When I saw them and recognised myself from this time last year I knew I had come such a long way.
One particular visualisation we did really brought it home to me. Without going into the whole thing it's about facets of your personality that you may have closed down over the years after negative comments. You visualise these as doors to rooms. My doors were open. Not all of them yet, but many more than ever before. I felt free to roam from room to room. I felt open. I felt honest. I didn't cry this time.
I smiled.
I told the others on the course. I was where you are a year ago. You've made the first step. This stuff works. Keep going. It's an on going process.
But then so is life.
We should never stop growing. Learning. Challenging ourselves.
I'm not "fixed"! But then who is? I'm not sure anyone ever is and I've learnt that maybe that's ok.
A little while ago Ken's Mum asked in astonishment why I was having confidence coaching.
"You are one of the most confident people I know" she laughed.
I couldn't answer her. I didn't know. I just knew I wasn't right. I was still on the "happy pills". I had dark days. Days when I just couldn't cope. When I didn't want to get out of bed.
"But you get on stage." she said.
True. I lark about. I make everyone laugh. Except some days myself.
That was the key. It's not confidence I lacked but "Self Confidence".
The ability to be comfortable in my own skin. To open my doors and not hide behind a players mask.
So now I like that's there's still a long way to go because when you feel you are on the right path the journey can only be fun, can't it!