First time around, I did not enjoy weaning.
It tested every OCD tendency I possess, ruined my dining room, put me off bananas for life and upped my gin tolerance to beyond impressive levels... and all for what...?! A three year old that survives on pizza, multivitamins and the sound of my ovaries gently weeping into obscurity as dinner time approaches each night...
As you can imagine, I've been keen to have a different experience this time... one that is less utterly disgusting, unrewarding and doesn't end with me sobbing into the Annabel Karmel recipe book with partly digested banana in my fringe whilst inhaling hobnobs in the downstairs toilet at 6pm every evening.
So. Here's my completely-serious-and-not-at-all-written-under-the-influence-of seven-months-of-wine guide to weaning second babies:
- Wean in cafes and pubs. They love cleaning up your shit. If possible, try to make it look like you simply walked in and emptied a bag of regurgitated rice cakes underneath the high chair and had the toddler stamp in it a bit. That's their total favourite.
- You only wear shades of beige with your leggings now. Ready for your child to disperse everything they've just eaten via the medium of 'raspberry blowing'.
- At the point where the spoon contains more dribble than actual food, you are allowed some wine. Breakfasts are so much less stressful now...
- First time around you tried not to feed your baby in the buggy... not without a MOUNTAIN of wet wipes and some alcohol. However, your second baby spends most of their buggy-time propped up on a home-made seat liner composed almost entirely of rice-cake/biscotti hybrid matter held together with 'The Purple One' and the odd splash of fruit shoot from the pre-schooler. They're comfy and if they get hungry they can chew on it. It's a win-win situation.
- Ella's Kitchen. Directly from pouch to mouth. Naked. (Both of you) (And probably the toddler too) (Probably best at home)
- ...because the exact amount of effort you put into mashing, pureeing and blending meals for your baby is directly proportionate to how much wine you'll need to drink later. (Ok. During.)
- Don't forget to remember how rewarding weaning is when your baby is gagging broccoli, sweet potato and suede onto your nipple in the dark later that night and firing sweet corn pellets into his nappy with such force they can actually puncture your soul. (Or something)
- Why waste baby wipes when you can simply place them on the living room floor and have the cats lick them clean whilst they're entertained by a particularly mesmerising episode of Dora-into-the-Twatting-City.
- Frankly there's no point putting too much effort in as their main diet is disguarded sandwich and pizza crusts from the toddler along with carpet raisins, cat hair and whatever nutrition they can get from licking that weird sticky patch on the living room radiator...
- Also. Wine.