25/01/2016 12:00 GMT | Updated 25/01/2017 05:12 GMT

Things You Should Know About Owning a Toddler...

Yep. Toddlers. If your baby has just 'levelled up' you should really know what you're dealing with... So here's my handy list of everything you should know about owning one...

Yep. Toddlers. If your baby has just 'levelled up' you should really know what you're dealing with... So here's my handy list of everything you should know about owning one:

  1. You don't own them, they own you.
  2. ... and everything they can see, touch, smell, hear, scream at and take a shit on.
  3. Remember when you used to just 'eat'....? Well you don't do that any more. All food is theirs now. Except their own food. That's obviously disgusting.
  4. The bathroom is your only chance for peace. Use this time for crying, and Mars Bars, and Tanqueray.
  5. They sit... and watch... and they know where the on-switches to every musical toy you own are... One day they'll set the whole lot off at once. And break you once and for all.
  6. Clothes are only there to be dragged around whilst naked.
  7. This includes your clothes. Strip or be subjected to the squeal-shout meltdown incorporating full body-flop. In our house; AKA the 'WallyFlop'.
  8. When they bite, it hurts more than you ever thought possible. Then you stand on a rogue Mega-Blok and realise that childbirth was f@*king NOTHING.
  9. Only toys which are 'bash-able' make the cut. Every else gets posted out of the cat flap.
  10. It only hurts if you're watching.
  11. Never use a phone or remote control in front of a toddler. It could be the last move you ever make...
  12. The easiest way to get rid of the falling food debris is to eat it yourself. Nothing says 'I've hit parenting rock bottom' like consuming your child's half-chewed rice cake shards...
  13. You said you wouldn't let them eat in the buggy, and now you can see the funny side of this... as you scoop yoghurt/biscotti hybrid matter out of the footmuff...
  14. Saying no only encourages them. Like a red rag to a bull. After a while you just let them play with the plug sockets, suck on your iPhone and feed grapes to the DVD player. At least they're quiet while they're doing it.
  15. If you run out of yoghurt, there's no helping you. Prayer is your only option.
  16. They don't blink often enough... it's freaky. They will always win a stare-down. And you're right to be scared. Especially if they've noticed you're running low on yoghurt.
  17. Thought it might be nice to not watch In the Night Garden on repeat today before bed? Thought an episode of Come Dine With Me might make a nice change? Well think a-shitting-gain. You'll watch it, sing the Upsy Daisy song and do the circle hand thingy at the beginning or you'll find them standing over you in the night, holding a kitchen knife and an open petit filous...
  18. Be calm. But be afraid. Until they're four. Then send them to boarding school.
  19. The day they can operate doorhandles and taps is the day you are truly f@*ked.
  20. You'll need a lot of gin. And there's nothing wrong with concealing it in a sippy cup whilst out and about. You know. For convenience.



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